


Go Back Home

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholic Dean, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Grief, Grieving Sam, Hurt, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pansexual Sam, Rehab, Slight Smut, before the fic starts, car crash, grey asexual, grey asexual gabriel, nothing too graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-09 17:19:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 41,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3258053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester's book has been stuck at chapter fifteen for ages. He has the inspiration alright, but it just isn't working out.</p><p>Stressed after writing all day, he gives in to  Anna's request to join her had a local concert of the band 'The Fallen Archangels'. Turns out, alcohol and concerts just don't mix well. Especially the morning after. Not that he <em>minds</em> waking up next to a naked Gabriel Novak, guitarist of said band.</p><p>What ensues is the tale of two men in a pretend relationship, concerts, acting like goofballs and, <em>love</em>?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A _massive_ thank you to my amazing artist [Litra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/litra). The art she created for this fic is simply wonderful and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it! You can find her art right [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3298670). Make sure to leave her a lovely comment about her art.
> 
> Secondly, I'd love to thank [ScorchedAngel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorchedAngel/pseuds/ScorchedAngel) for their awesome beta job! Thank you lovely, you really rescued my fic. If you get a chance, make sure to check our their fic as well, it is wonderful and available [right here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3361784/chapters/7352765). (Come on, who doesn't love a Back to the Future!au?)
> 
> You can also find this fic on Livejournal [here](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com/7170.html). A masterpost is available right [here](http://sabrielbigbang.tumblr.com). A PDF file is available on [Mediafire](https://www.mediafire.com/?a31517rqkrk6xbb).
> 
> Writing this fic was one hell of a rollercoaster ride and I most sincerely hope that you'll all enjoy it.

 

 

_These nights never seem to go to plan_

_I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?_

 

_Oh, won't you stay with me?_

_'Cause you're all I need_

_This ain't love it's clear to see_

_But darling, stay with me_

**Stay With Me - Sam Smith**

 

Gabriel really shouldn’t be doing this. The other man was drunk and Gabriel was too well known. Stuff like this, it never ended well. He really should know that, but quite frankly for once in his whole life, he didn’t care. Not at all. He would be lying if he said that he did. Nobody minded having a beautiful person’s hands all over, having their hands roam your sides, have those expert lips explore.

The man was gorgeous with beautifully soft lips; lips that taste like alcohol and salt. And to top that all off; that damn floppy hair. It was all he needed after the show, even if it was in a dark alley. He really should be more sophisticated than that, should know better than that. But right now, he didn’t care. Didn’t care as the other man pulled him closer, pressed their bodies together close.

“You are beautiful, you know that.” The other man’s voice sounded husky and low and damn, if that voice didn’t go straight to his groin. “I want to know every part of you.” Lips trailed down his neck, pressing kisses near his collarbone. “I love seeing you unravel underneath my fingertips.”

“Hey, Sam. Sam,” he muttered, pushing him away a little bit, “can we, uh, go to your place or something. I really don’t want to make out in the middle of an alleyway.” He had caught Sam’s name over a bottle of beer. They barely knew each other, but that made all of this all the more exciting.

“Really?” Sam asked, amused, as he let his lips slide down his chest, tongue sliding over the little bit of bare skin. “You really want to break this off huh?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, not as sure of that as before, “can we just go, now?” Sam laughed before he pulled away, simply nodding.

 

It took too long to reach Sam's apartment, Sam more of a distraction than Gabriel had thought possible. Taking the elevator up was almost torture and then waiting for Sam to find the right key to his apartment – god, how many keys does one person need? - and then, they were inside, Sam pressing Gabriel against the wall, hands playing with his shirt until it eventually slipped over his head and was tossed haphazardly to the side. Sam's lips trailed down his neck to his collar bone, pressing soft kisses to his skin. His heavenly lips eventually found a new target, sucking on his nipples, playing with them like a fucking tease.

Gabriel’s blood was humming in his veins as he took over, sliding his hands along smooth muscles and pulling the shirt over the other man’s head. Which was more difficult than it should be, considering the sasquatch’s height. Gabriel totally didn’t blush as Sam helped him with a wide smile on his lips. Oh God, this man was an Adonis.

Beautiful muscles, beautiful skin laced with dark ink, _and to ashes we return_ in script across his ribs with two dates underneath. Gabriel kissed each letter, letting his fingers slide along the dates. He loved Sam’s reaction to his touch, the tightening of muscles under his hands. He kissed each of his tattoos, letting his lips hover just a little. Letting those muscles jump was maybe all he wanted to do.

Sam backed up towards the bed in the corner of the room, pinning Gabriel under his body. He barely left him enough room to crawl up until his head hit the pillows. His hands traveled Gabe’s body, trailing kisses down his chest to his belly button. Long fingers reached for the buckle of his jeans, drawing a hitched breath from Gabriel’s lungs.

Sam grinned a smug smile before freeing him from his pants, leaving Gabriel shivering at the feeling of the other man’s jeans against his skin; the slight roughness to it, the ice cold buckle of his belt. He needed more, less layers between the two of them. But Sam seemed to be as content as he was. Gabriel took pleasure in the small groan that escaped Sam’s lips as his hips bucked up of their own accord.

“I’ll make you feel real good,” Sam purred against Gabriel’s hips, tugging down the elastic of his boxers ever so slightly without pulling them off, before continuing to trail his lips down, to his knees and then up, pressing his lips to the tender flesh over and over again. “You like this, don’t you?”

Gabriel didn’t even have to reply as he threaded his fingers through Sam’s hair, pulling him up to press a kiss to his lips hungrily, hands sliding down to the waistband of his jeans. And, God forgive him, Sam let him tug his jeans off, exposing those muscular thighs and delicious hips.

“You’re gorgeous.” It was nothing but a choked whisper as Sam freed him from his boxers completely, fingers trailing over his aching cock teasingly.

 

After that, Gabriel couldn’t be held accountable for the moans and shivers that ran through his body or how good it felt when he eventually came, Sam stroking him through it and joining him not minutes later.

They should probably clean themselves up, Gabriel thought sleepily, but he barely cared enough. Sam had the same thought though, cleaning them up before falling back into the bed next to him. Gabe was asleep before the blankets even covered him.


	2. Chapter one

 

_Sometimes a warm memory sheds light in the dark_

_And eases the pain like the song of a Meadow Lark._

_Then it flits away on silent wings and I'm alone;_

_Hungering for more of the light it had shone._

 

The bar was buzzing with people; some were dancing, others were sitting at the bar with their drinks enjoying the music. Sam preferred the quiet calm more, but at least it wasn’t  _too_ crowded. The Three Fallen Archangels were on stage, having their best concert, probably of the year if he could trust Anna. Sam wasn’t entirely sure about that. He’d only seen one or two of their concerts, Anna had been to a lot more.

It was one of the only bands that Sam seemed to be able to enjoy live. Most other bands were all over the stage when they played, but The Three Fallen Archangels? They were pretty calm. And maybe the fact that they had a handsome lead guitarist helped. Okay, maybe a lot. He had one of their albums – Anna had given it to him for Christmas one year – which he usually played while driving to work.

Anna was sitting next to him at the bar, a glass of coke in front of her. She'd drink beer for sure, if she could. She was six months pregnant and  _grumpy_. Damn. If he didn't accept her offer to ahead and put together the crib for her, he'd have a serious problem in his near future.

“Hey, Sam?”         

“Yeah?” He didn't even pull his eyes from the band as he answered. “What is it Anna? Anything the matter?”

“I kinda want to go home.” This pulled his attention to her. He got why she wanted to go home and could hardly say anything about it. For a few weeks now, she had been complaining about back pains and the baby moving all the time. She always had that look about her when the baby did move, this intense look that said, ' _if he moves one more freaking time I will seriously kill somebody_ '. For the first time that night, he seriously regretted bringing her. Well, she had kind of forced him to join her. Still, he should have said she’d better stay home, that he’d go and tell her how it was or something, if it helped.

“Oh, sure,” Sam said, smiling slightly. “Let me finish my drink and we'll go.”

 

Sam Winchester didn't even know how he and Anna Milton had become friends. They had had a few friends in common in college, but that as about all. They didn't even hang out all that much their first few years. And then, a little after Anna and Ruby had officially become a thing, they had started hanging out more and become actual best friends.

“How's the little one doing?” he asked her in the car. Anna needed distraction when the baby was being crazy, he knew that and well, if he could help with that, why not?

“He's alive and kicking,” she laughed, putting a hand on her belly, rubbing soothing circles. “No, he's good. The doc said that he was perfectly on track for his weight and length.” He liked seeing the fond smile on her lips when she spoke about the baby. For a little while, when their last IVF treatment had ended up not succeeding, she had looked so sad and lost, both of them had. Now she at least smiled again. “Ruby and I have even decided on a name and a birth announcement, which is a miracle.” Sam couldn't help but laugh at this. “You know how stubborn she is when it comes to getting what she wants. You should have heard our conversation in the store about which crib and color to pick.”

“Can I?” 

“Know? Nope. We're keeping it hidden until the baby shower,” she said with a mischievous grin. “And since you don't have a girlfriend to bring just yet, you'll have to be there by yourself. Unless, you know, you’re keeping secrets from us?”

“Anna Milton, just because I don't have a girlfriend yet and you are already married doesn't mean a thing.” Sam smiled at her, not being able to hide the fondness. “Not everybody gets married that fast you know.”

“You're twenty-seven years old.” Her look almost made him want to crawl back in his seat. For just a split second, he was incredibly glad that he was driving and had to keep his eyes on the road. At least she couldn’t force her to look at him that way. “You know that I don't mean anything by it, but after Jess.” Sam couldn't help but feel the painful little jump of his heart each time her name was mentioned. Even after five years, he still hadn't completely worked through losing her. Or that was what Dean would say. He had gotten past it, he really had. It was just  _hard._

“I know. I just. You know that I haven't met anyone that compares. And Anna, we were going to get  _married._  It’s not something that you get over easily. Hell.”

“With the way you've been staring at Gabriel, I'd say you have,” she joked, but there was sympathy in her eyes. Sympathy that he didn’t damn wanted. Ever since his parents, people always had an too much sympathy and pity for him. It was why he refrained from speaking about it to people that didn’t know. And of course, losing Jess had only made everything worse.

“Who?” he asked, not exactly sure what she meant. Not at all actually.

“Don't think I haven't noticed. You know? Gabriel Novak? Guitarist in the three fallen angels? Hey, I'm not blind you know.”

“You're the one that knows his name,” he said, eyebrows practically hitting his hairline, “I don't know a thing about him. And he's good looking. Shut up.” Anna burst out laughing first, Sam following her soon enough. “How do you even know his name? Are you a personal sponsor or something?”

“He's my cousin,” she said, holding a hand on the swell of her belly. “They all are, Lucifer, Balthazar, Gabriel and Castiel. I wouldn't go to these shows if they weren't. Seriously. I love my cousins, but it really isn't my kind of music.” She laughed. “That’s why I gave you that CD last Christmas. I knew you’d like them.”

“They're your cousins?” She started laughing at the disbelieve in his voice. “Really?”

“Yeah! We all look too alike, you should have noticed by now.” She was laughing even more now. Sam was kind of afraid that she wouldn’t stop before she almost passed out. “I do it because my aunt can't go to their shows. She'll want a full recap on how her boys are doing. It's kinda sad really.”

“What do you mean, she can't?” Sam wasn't familiar with the Novak's or Milton's. He had been around at Anna's before and he had seen one of her sisters, but that was about all. The magazines never spoke about them either, or he skimmed over the articles.

“I never told you?” she asked, curiously. “My aunt was born deaf.”

“You didn’t. Wow, that must be hard on her, not being about to hear her own children preform.”

“Yeah, I know.” The grimace on her face told Sam enough. “It sucks for her, because everybody knows how much she'd love to hear her boys’ band. My uncle passed away a few years back due to a heart attack. So they are all she has left. I said that I'd go to their gigs for her sometimes. You know, to keep her up to date, show her pictures, things like that.”

“So that's why you were able to speak to that one girl at the playground the other day? Because you've been doing sign language with your aunt since you were little?”

“Yes, it does come in handy sometimes. But enough of that. You know I can set you up on a date with him if you'd want that. He is, after all, still  _single_.” That fact kind of surprised Sam. Gabriel – as she had told him earlier – was good looking. He had figured he'd be married or at least in a steady relationship with someone right now.

“Don't you dare Anna,” He warned, “don't you dare.” But she just started laughing and couldn’t stop. Sam really considered dropping her off at the side of the road and making her walk back to her house, but that would be too cruel. He might have done it if she hadn’t been pregnant.

“I swear to god, if you weren't pregnant,” he muttered to himself, before turning the final junction and dropping her off in front of the awkwardly expensive house.

“Thanks for dropping me off,” she said with a smile, “and Sam, will you please help us with the nursery? Ruby can't really handle the crib with her broken arm and I can't put it together.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “I'll come in tomorrow.”

 

Sam didn't go home that night until well after 4am. He was too pumped after the gig and well, he needed a drink. Even if it was just because of the date, the bad timing. Being a driver for Anna had cut him off of his usual supply of beer and he damn well needed it. He hated how it had become almost like a coping mechanism lately. Especially because of Dean. But that was a whole other story.

Today was about their parents. They had been killed in a fire when Sam was fourteen and it had  _broken_ him, possibly beyond repair. The house had caught fire in his parent's bedroom one night. John and Mary hadn't noticed anything until the room was already ablaze. Dean had woken up from the smoke and pulled them both out of the house. He did go back in, but by that time, it was already too late, the room was already too clogged with smoke to enter. The last thing he remembered was hearing his mother’s scream.

That April, they had to bury both of their parents. Mary had died in the room, their father afterwards in the hospital. The fire department had managed to pull him out of the fire, but whether that had actually saved him or not, Sam didn't know. His father had been in pain the two weeks of his stay there. Two weeks after burying their mother, they had to bury their father next to her. It was a hard day for them all, but Sam knew that it had been even tougher for Dean, his brother. Dean had arranged everything, from the stones to the caskets to everything.

It was during his father’s funeral that Sam saw his brother have a full on break down for the very first time. Dean always stayed so strong through it all, his voice not even breaking when he called their school to tell them the news. This was the first time he saw his brother cry and sob. Even Lisa couldn’t calm him down enough for him to breathe. It was hard to see.

After the service, he seemed to calm down and they never spoke about it. Each time that Sam wanted to reach out or comfort him, he put his big brother face on. Dean worked crazy hours, keeping their tiny family of two fed and clean, the bills paid and them on their own. He forbid Sam from helping out at all by working.

Not that Sam actually listened to a word that Dean said. He never used any of the money that Dean left out on the table to get groceries but would use the money that he made during work. He was almost frantic about having a job, taking every opportunity, even if it was a bad one. Combining work and school was hard, but he did it.

Dean noticed, of course, when there was more money than he made in their bank account and he would notice the five hundred dollars that were deposited every month like clockwork. At first, Dean would bitch about it. Sam kept depositing money and eventually, he just shut up about it.

 

Sam didn’t know how he got home after the bar the other night or even how much he had ended up drinking, but he didn’t mind. All he knew was that he was tucked in, the heating was on and there was coffee going in the other room. There was an unfamiliar smell in the air too. That of, aftershave? All he knew was that it wasn’t his – but did smell good.

Sleeping in for a change felt nice, without worry. As if for once, there was nothing that could end his happy period. Even if he would probably be working on his book in the next couple of hours, while stressing about an article that had to be written for  _PressWeekly_.

“Hey there sleepyhead,” an amused voice said from the doorway. It wasn’t completely unfamiliar. The man was half naked – damn he had a glorious chest – and familiar. Oh God. Why didn’t he remember a thing about last night? “You don’t remember me. I don’t know if I should be offended.”

“It’ll come back,” he half groaned, falling back into the pillow. “Gabriel, right?” memories rushed back, but not all of them. He remembered watching the Three Fallen Archangels play and watching the guitarist, said guitarist standing in front of the bed.

“That’s it big boy.” How could he be so damn cheerful this early? Or well, not early. One look at the clock told him that it was already eleven am and he had slept away the entire morning.  _Great._  “And you are? You remember that?”

“Yes. Sam.” The pillow hit the man straight in the chest.

“Ooh, as feisty in the morning as he is at night, a man after my own heart.” Gabriel smirked. “Oh, that didn’t leave an impression eh? Way to hurt a man’s ego, Sasquatch. It’ll come back to you soon enough.” Damn, this man could read his expression too well. “I made you coffee. If you manage to get that tight ass of yours out of bed, you can come drink it.”

Sam crawled out of bed a lot less grumpy then before, only to discover that he wasn’t wearing a thing. He could barely stop his cheeks from turning red as he tugged the blanket back over him.

“I’ll bring you your cup.” Gabriel grinned at him before disappearing into the kitchen. “You get at least a little dressed, you.” He faltered for a second, before sticking his head through the open door. “I would say prude or innocent boy, but Sammy my boy, last night was everything  _but_  innocent.” When he saw the pained expression in his eyes, Gabriel grinned. “Sorry.”

 

Sam tugged on a pair of clean boxers and pants the second that Gabe left. He didn’t bother putting on a shirt, knowing that he’d probably take a shower soon enough anyway.

“You’re an angel,” Sam muttered, still half asleep when his coffee finally arrived. His fingers slid around the warm cup and he sighed contentedly. God, coffee was the best thing that humans had invented. That was until he got punched in the arm. Gabe was stronger than he looked, damn guy.

“No puns at eleven am. I’ll take your coffee away.” And it was only then that he realized that Gabriel was indeed named after an angel. Oh well.  “Somebody has been calling you since ten AM. I suggest you answer, because damn they are persistent.”

“I’m going to take a shower first. I’ll see who called later. Hey, if you, you know, want to have breakfast or something, feel free.” God, this was too awkward. “And if they call again, do you mind telling them I will get back to them soon? You can just go if you want. You, uh…”

“I gotta make sure that you don’t drown, sasquatch. I’ll be on phone duty.”

“Thanks man, I owe you, big time.”

“You sure do.”

 

It was right after he got out of the shower that his phone rang again. Gabriel knocked before carefully sticking a head through the door when Sam told him that it was okay. He kept his eyes up, tips of his ears just a little red, it was adorable.

“It’s my lovely cousin,” he said, question in his eyes. “Want me to tell her to call back?”

“No, that’s alright,” he said, taking the phone from him while trying to keep the towel in place. “Thanks again.”

“My pleasure.” The door closed behind Gabe.

“I want answers,” Anna said the second that the door was fully closed. “Why does my annoyingly witty and trickster of a nephew answer your phone at eleven am? I have been trying to get a hold of you all morning.”

“I don’t have any answers, Anna. Was too drunk last night to remember.”

“Oh god Sammy, I said that I’d set you up on a date. Not that you had to sleep with him.” She was laughing on the other side of the line. “I mean, it’s good you got it over with. But damn Sammy.”

“We didn’t sleep together Anna.” Sam realized just a little bit too late how bad of a liar he was. “I am not going to talk to you about what Gabriel and I were up to.”

“Sam Winchester, you are something. Now, what I was calling you about, when can I drag you away from your lover boy? I have crib to get together.”

“Around one?”         

“Sure. I’ll see you Sam.” He could almost hear her promise to ask enough questions to make his head burst. “Bye.”

      

By the time that he got out of the shower, Gabriel had made them both food. It should probably be more awkward than it was. It wasn’t like Sam had a habit of getting drunk that early on in the night. Or taking home men for that matter. Maybe, if all people would make breakfast for him, he had to rework that just a little bit.

“Is this one of your habits? Making people breakfast?” he asked curiously. “Or coffee for that matter.”

“Not usually no, but what can I say.” Gabriel smirked. “You are adorable when you are asleep. That,  _and_ I only woke up fifteen minutes before you did.”

“Men aren’t adorable,” Sam complained, taking the plate from Gabe. “And don’t even get started on cute, because I swear on my mother’s grave that you will end up as my dog’s breakfast.”

“Your dog loves me.” And indeed, Riot sat by Gabriel’s feet, looking up at him with that grin that Riot only shared with Sam. Not even Dean got that grin and Riot loved Dean.

“He does.”     

“Is that surprise in your voice, Sam?” he asked, eyebrows drawn up. “Should I be offended?”

“Riot doesn’t usually like people easily, he started chewing on Anna’s boots first time that he saw her,” Sam said, smiling, “and then Dean – he’s my brother – he actually used as a chewing toy for the first two weeks. It was adorable to see, wasn’t it buddy?” He ruffled the dog’s hair.

“So, how do you know my dear old cousin?”

“She used to be friends with my fiancée,” he said, “before she, uh, before she passed away. Afterwards, we stayed friends. I introduced her to Ruby.”

“Oh, so you are the famous writer,” Gabriel said, “I’m sorry about your fiancée.”

“It’s been a while,” Sam shrugged, “Time, uh, makes things bearable. Famous writer?” He almost groaned at his wording.

“Yeah, the tale of how a famous writer set them up is the most popular tale during Christmas dinners, because it was right after your fiancée. They call it their Christmas miracle. But I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“Well, uh, did I drive you here or did you take your own car?” Sam asked clumsily. “Sorry that I don’t remember anything from last night, I usually don’t do this kind of things. Or drink that much really.”

“That’s okay Sammish,” Gabriel sighed, still amused for some reason. “You drove.”

“I can give you a ride home? I have to go to Anna’s anyway.”

“Ah, the crib?” he laughed, “yeah. I’m supposed to help with the nursery too. But the band’s schedule has been crazy the past couple of weeks. I have no idea how I am still alive.” Sam actually smiled at this. Gabriel’s eyes seemed to light up at the sole mention of his band.

“Your band is pretty good. I think Anna just asked me because she thinks I’m lonely though.”

“Thanks.” He stayed silent for a little while. “Are you?”

Sam had to think about his question. Back when Anna had asked him, he hadn’t really thought about whether he was actually lonely or not, he had just, gotten on with his day without thinking about it. “Maybe, I don’t know. It’s just bad timing you know? It’s been five years since Jessica died and I don’t know. It’s just a little hard on me sometimes.”

“So you get drunk?”

“Something like that. Yesterday wasn’t about Jess though.” He wished that he could admit that this was about his father, but he could hardly tell him even more. If he tried, he’s start to cry and Gabe really shouldn’t see him like that. He didn’t even call Dean yesterday. Yesterday marked fourteen years since their father had died in the hospital. It still hurt,  _a lot_. The distraction had been the only reason that he had allowed for Anna to drag him to the bar. “It’s something else. Don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay,” Gabe said. “Do you want me to help you out at Anna’s today? Ruby’s winged, so she won’t be too helpful and Anna has an appointment at the OB’s office. She’ll be out anyway.”

“If that is okay with them,” Sam said thoughtfully, “but you really don’t need to stay if you don’t want to though Gabe.” He almost added that he didn’t want his pity, but that would be just a little bit too rude. And well, he actually liked the man, especially his witty humor.

“I want to,” he said with a smile, “and I really need to talk to my dear sister about not mentioning how  _hot_ a certain writer is.” He actually, god forgive him, winked at Sam. He felt the heat rise to the tips of his ears. Gabriel of course, noticed and started laughing. “You are adorable Sammish.”

 

The drive over was pleasant, once Sam took the ‘ _the Three Fallen Archangels’_  out of the radio. He had been listening to their first CD in the car entirely too often, but what could he say?  _The rise of the archangel_  was a good album. He had his favorite songs on the album, like  _Lucifer’s wrath_  and  _the Messenger_ , but the ten other songs were good as well. He knew that they had other albums out. He would get his hands on them when his pay check allowed that.

“Fan huh?” Gabriel asked with a smirk.

“Shut it, Novak,” Sam said, smiling. “I told you, you’re a good band. That’s all.” Gabriel spun the CD around in his hand.

“So that why it’s signed huh?” The persistent smirk was still on Gabriel’s lips. “And by everyone but me? Even dear old Cassie. You do manage to make me feel offended quite a lot today.” Sam totally wasn’t going to admit that he had gone to the signing to get an autograph from Gabriel, who had just stepped outside to smoke by the time that he was in front of the line.

“You had stepped outside to smoke, so it really is your own fault this time.” Gabriel took a marker out of his pocket – did he always carry a marker or something? - quickly signing the CD. The smirk evolved into a big grin.

“This is better.”

 

They arrived at Anna’s house at exactly one pm. Anna opened the door for them with a smile. She seemed to be just a little surprised to see her cousin with him, but didn’t say anything. At least not to him. The both got hugs and the instruction to take their shoes off before walking in.

“I just cleaned the house,” she said apologetically. “Gabe, you know where the nursery is right? Do you mind showing Sam?”

“Of course not. That’s what cousins are for.” Gabriel took Sam up two flights, to the biggest baby room that Sam had seen in ages. “Massive, isn’t it? You’d think she’s having three, but there’s just one in there.”

“Yeah, I’d say so. You got any intel on the name? She won’t tell.”

“Nah,” Gabe said, before opening the first box with parts for the mysterious crib. “She doesn’t tell. Says I’ll have to wait for the baby shower. I take it she told you the same.”

“And to bring a girlfriend,” Sam sighed, “or at least somebody to show off.”

“I see,” Gabriel said, laughing, “she’s been bugging me about the same thing. You’re twenty-eight Gabriel, you’re supposed to be settled down by now. Ever since she and Ruby are married. Jesus.”

“I got the same lecture,” Sam laughed, before sitting down next to Gabriel. “So, please tell me that you have any idea how to do things like this, because this isn’t exactly an IKEA crib and I  _really_ do not want to break it. She’d grill me alive.”

“And your pay check, that one too.” He smirked. “I’ve done this for dear old Cas when his kids were born. Damn, he and his wife really don’t know a thing about cribs and such. Thing is, he’s the brains of the family. You’d think studying five years pays off. Couldn’t even read the instruction manual.”

“Castiel?” Sam guessed. “Wouldn’t have though that.”

“Yeah,” Gabe laughed, “though he did have something to worry about though. His wife was in the hospital the last weeks of her pregnancy. Their twins could have come early, so I helped them out by assembling their cribs. It was no big deal.”

“Okay, what should we do first, oh fearless leader?” Sam joked.

“Manual.” The grin on Gabriel’s face was about as big as it was going to get.

 

It didn’t even take them that long to put the crib together. The manual was pretty straight forward, and there were two of them. They even continued on with the pack and play and high chair, so that Anna and Ruby didn’t have too much to worry about.

“Thanks guys,” Anna said when she came in to check up on them. “I really appreciate it.”

“It was no bother,” Sam aid with a smile, “I notice that Gabriel seems to be the expert in building stuff, or at least, so I’ve seen.”

“The manual did help,” Gabe shrugged, modest all of a sudden. With Anna around, he seemed to be much more calm and less of a trickster. Maybe he was just doing an effort for her though.

“Want to come downstairs and have a cup of coffee or tea or something? Ruby insists on it. She’d come up, but she’s working on the website,  _again_. I swear to god guys, ever since her boss mentioned that she had to make the website, she’s been working on it non-stop. She should really be paid more than she is right now, because this is just too much.”

“You know Ruby, she was the same way in college,” Sam said, shrugging, “she loves work.”

“As long as she loves me and the baby more than she loves her work, that’s fine with me, I swear.” Anna smiled at them apologetically as she waddled down the stairs in front of them. “I barely see her lately. She’s taking time off when baby boy is born though. That’s a start.”

 

They seated themselves in the living room with their cups of tea. Anna had always loved coffee, but since the doctor had told her that it could be bad for the baby if she kept drinking it as much, she stopped. Sam had been surprised by her persistence in it.

“So,” Anna said with a grin on her face, “how come you are answering Sam’s phone now Gabe? I thought you didn’t know each other.”

“We didn’t,” Gabe said, a little uncomfortable? Sam didn’t even know how he could tell it from nothing but his profile, but then again, he had always been good at reading people. “We don’t really. But somebody over there is very convincing when he’s drunk.”

“Sam? Drunk?”

“Only on special occasions, you know that,” Sam said, a sad smile on his lips.

“Oh shit.” Anna clasped her hands in front of her mouth, “I completely forgot that it’s been fourteen years. I’m so sorry. And I took you out too. Shit.”

“That’s alright,” Sam shrugged, “It’s not like Dean called either. He’s too busy in the garage to even find time to call lately. Which is good I guess, Bobby has to work less overtime that way, but yeah. Anyway. Like I said before, nothing happened yesterday, so don’t even let your mind wander that way Anna Milton.”

“He fell asleep,” Gabriel said, smirking again, “even before his head hit the pillow. How come we got to his apartment without having a car crash, I have no idea honestly. But, like Sammy here said, nothing happened.” Gabe even dared wink at him.

“And this morning?”

“I was taking a shower and told him to pick up when you rang,  _again._ Jesus Anna, you are persistent.”

“And you aren’t even lying,” she grumbled slightly. “I can’t believe you stayed though Gabriel. I’d have taken you for somebody who bails when he can.”

“Enough about our non-existent sex life,” Gabe interjected before she could continue, clearly getting more and more uncomfortable by the second. “This is just embarrassing. Seriously, if the guys hear about this, they’ll be laughing their asses off. Believe me.”

“Oh, they know,” Anna said with a grin, “because I did hear that you went home with a dude last night. Castiel called to let me know. I think he was drunk dailing though. So, don’t chew him out.”

“I’m going to kill him.” Sam bit back a laugh at this.

“Wait until after the baby shower,” Anna laughed, “he’s supposed to be picking up the balloons tomorrow. You’re both coming, right?”

“Sure.”

 

Dean eventually did call, but he was, as Sam had already expected, drunk. If there was one person that couldn’t handle feelings, it was Dean. When he had first gotten together with Lisa, things had been better. He didn’t drink as much and called in to see how Sam was doing. And then one day, things had been too much, and they were going downhill again.

Sam knew that he couldn’t be angry with his brother. After all, he was the same. He too drank to forget what happened and Dean had been through a tough time in life after they passed away. But that didn’t mean that he could drink too much. It was gong way past unhealthy amounts now, but Sam knew that he couldn’t stop his brother.

He knew that Lisa worried about him and had even thought about putting him a rehab center until he was clean, but well, that plan hadn’t lasted long. Dean didn’t care, not anymore.

“Mom would’ve been so proud of you Sammy,” Dean said with a double tongue. “She would have been fucking proud of you. All big eyed and smart. You even almost married somebody. Brains of the family. She always adored you.” The sound of glass shattering sounded in the background. “She would hate me, wouldn’t she? Her son that turned out to be  _nothing._ A mechanic that barely makes enough to keep his family afloat. How  _pathetic._ ”

“Dean,” Sam sighed, “dad would be proud of you too, you know that damn well. Hell, all he could ever envision for you was to take over the family business.”

“Why? Because he used to be a mechanic too? Because I work with his former best friend Bobby? I am ruining our garage. We’re almost at rock bottom. We barely keep our heads above the water here. The bank won’t give us loans for the new equipment that we need to buy after that storm ruined half of it. And Ben. Mom would adore him you know? She would be so proud of her grandchild. How am I supposed to say to my kid that grandpa and grandma are proud of him? Just yesterday, Lisa was talking to him… About how his grandparents were in heaven and that one day he’d see them. Hell.”

“I’m doing all I can.” And he really was. Each month, he tried to send a couple hundred dollars his way. Being a writer didn’t really make that much money, it really didn’t. He barely had enough to pay his bills and send two hundred or so dollars over every month. “I can’t send you any more than I am sending now.” If he would do that, he wouldn’t have any money left for food. It was an option, but it would break him sooner than later.

“I know Sammy, I know Sammy. But, don’t worry about us, okay? Lisa already does that for you. And you know, man, Mom would have totally loved Jess. Hell, she’d see her as her ideal daughter-in-law. She was beautiful. You know, I kind of miss her too. I know that Jessica and I never really became good friends, but I did really like her. She was perfect for you man, all brains too. I wasn’t even surprised when you proposed. I told Lisa about her a little while ago, when she asked why you were upset and damn man. Talking about Lisa, I think she’s about to take my drink away.” Sam could hear Lisa on the other end of the line. “Yeah, she took my drink away, I should probably hang up now, because she’s  _pissed_.” It was silent a little while, all Sam could hear was rustling in the background.

“Hey Sam? It’s Lisa.” It was clear how tired she was, tired of everything. The whole situation weighed on her and their kid Ben more than Dean sometimes realized. “Sorry about that. He’s drunk again.”

“It’s okay Lisa,” he sighed, “I understand. It’s been fourteen years now. I think he misses them too much. With Ben. He kind of looks like mom did when she was a baby.”

“Yeah, I know. I was there when he went through the old pictures with Ben on his lap,” Lisa said. “I told him they are angels in the sky and that they are proud of him. What else could I say? Dean won’t say anything about them.”

“Dean will never do that. Hey, Lisa. You know that you can always drop him off if you need to have some time alone or take Dean to a doc or something, right?” Sam had told her almost a hundred times now, but she never took him up on his offer. “I can work from home if that’s what you need, a little you time. Things have been rough on you two too.”

“Yeah, thanks for the offer Sam,” Lisa said. He could almost hear the tight smile in her voice, “I’ll see okay? I think I might take Dean to a doctor tomorrow or something. Or at least make him see reason. I can’t send him to rehab again. It’s too expensive.”

“I’ll help out. I have some money put aside for Dean, if he would have to be admitted again. About five thousand. I didn’t want to put it in the garage because we both know that he would by alcohol with it.”

“I’ll see, okay?”

“Sure. I got to go now, there’s work waiting for me, but if you need to drop of Ben, you just do that, okay? Do you want me to take him tonight? It won’t be a bother. You can take Dean to that doctor tonight. Please, do that? I would take him myself, but he won’t listen to me, even less that he’ll listen to you, we both know that.”

“Yeah and Sam? Sorry about Jess. I know it’s been five years. How are you holding up?”

“Decently,” he sighed, “things could be better you know, but I am keeping myself distracted enough to keep her out of my thoughts.”

 

And that was the truth. He had saved up what he had left of his pay check each month so he could set something aside for a rehab center. It left him pretty much broke, but it was his brother. He would do anything to see Dean happy and healthy. Sam knew that Dean wouldn’t want to go, but if he wanted to get better and be a father to Ben, he really didn’t have a choice.

A half an hour after starting the article that he had been attempting to write, Lisa arrived with Ben. Ben was sleeping in her arms, a pacifier in his mouth and his moose teddy bear clasped close. It had been a joke at first, the teddy bear, but now, little Ben seemed to love it.

“Dean’s in the car. He’s not happy, but he’s still too drunk to really care about where we are going.” Sam nodded sadly, taking Ben from her arms.

“I’m really sorry for my brother Lisa,” he said, “he does care about you two, he just really needs to get clean now.”

“It’s not your fault,” she sighed, “I got to go before he decides to get out of the car, but, I’ll call to see what the doctor says, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Ben was a good kid. Probably the best kid that he had been around in a long time. He did cry once or twice, when he wanted his food and when his pacifier had fallen out of his mouth, but that was about it. Sam kept him close enough that he could keep an eye on him while working.

The novel that he was working on was though one. He tried to complete it, tried to do weave everything together into something that would at last make a lick of sense, but it just didn’t work out. He went back to chapter on every time, changing something that caused him to restart or delete a whole scene. The manuscript could have been finished a couple of months ago, he just kept changing things. He knew that it drove his editor, Charlie crazy, but he just couldn’t help it.

That was when he was saved by his cellphone, thank the lord.

 _Hi, you busy? –Gabe_ Sam smiled as he read the text. Even though what had happened last night had become a little bit clearer, he did  _not_ remember giving Gabriel his number. Knowing Gabe, he probably had just copied it from his phone while he was out.

 _Taking care of my nephew, why? – Sam_   The reply came within seconds.

_Because I am bored out of my mind and Cassie is annoying me. Thought you maybe wanted to hang out. Stupid of me, I know._

_Nope,_  he answered,  _know of something we can do with a fourteen month old? Can’t leave him alone._ _ ~~I need something to take my mind of the situation anyway.~~_ _Lisa’d be /pissed/._

_I got an idea. Be ready in fifteen, I’ll come pick you up. We’re going on a bit of a walk. You eaten yet?_

 

Gabriel picked Sam up after precisely fifteen minutes, a bright smile on his lips. He had changed clothes, which may have been best after all that happened last night. Sam had called Lisa to say that he’d keep Ben until the next day, so that they could sort things out without having to worry about him.

“Is this the nephew?” he asked with a grin, stretching out his hand to rub Ben’s head through the hat. “You are one adorable little fella.”

“He certainly is,” Sam said with a smile. “And he is due for another feeding in about an hour, so if we don’t want a cranky baby, we’ll have to make sure we have everything. Just let me get the stroller though, and we’re good to go. I already packed everything up for us.”

“Okay, good move Sammish.”

“Why do you call me that? It’s a weird nickname.” Not that Sam really minded. Dean always called him Sammy and that especially when he was drunk. That was mainly why he had started to hate the nickname. It didn’t suit him, he wasn’t the little boy anymore that he had to help raise. He was an adult now.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel shrugged, “I just like the name. Come on.” They took the elevator downstairs, Gabriel all the while talking about how stupid his brothers sometimes were and how they always bugged him about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

“And Castiel, he’s worst of all,” he complained, “he doesn’t give it a rest. Lucifer and Balthazar, they are okay with me not being together with somebody. But  _him_  I swear. Ever since the twins, he’s the devil in disguise.” Ben started laughing in the stroller. “Is that funny little one?”

“Everything is funny to this one,” Sam said, smiling, “once, when he was just a little younger, he stayed over and I dropped a glass bottle. He didn’t stop laughing until I picked up his little moosey and took it away from him. Seriously. He’s too much like Dean used to be, before our parents passed away.” He didn’t even realize that he had brought it up,  _again_. Damn, he really didn’t have anyone to talk to except for him. “He used to laugh all the time too.”

“Not anymore?”

“No.” He didn’t mean to sound sad when he said it, but did anyway. “He’s, well, troubled now. The garage isn’t doing well and it is taking its’ toll on him. I get that, I really do, but he is losing track of it all a little.”

“How are you coping with it? You seem to handle it pretty well.”

“I don’t, really,” Sam said, surprised that he was as open about it to this virtual stranger, “I mean, I was fourteen when the fire happened, so I do remember pretty well. I don’t drink though, I work.” He sighed. “I work my ass off for a normal life, so that I can get a little bit of money aside to help Dean and the garage. It isn’t easy, but what else should I do? Dean took care of me as my legal guardian even though he didn’t have to. I could have easily gone to a foster home until my sixteenth birthday, but he didn’t want that.”

“He’s a brave one then.” Gabriel looked at him,  _pity_  in his eyes. God damn. “How old was he when your?”

“Parents died? Eighteen. He had just turned eighteen a few weeks prior. We had this huge ass birthday party for him. Dad even gave him his car, the Impala that he had been eyeing forever. He still drives the thing. Restored it completely, practically rebuild it. It was his way of coping.” Sam smiled at the memory of Dean working on the car. “It was the only moment that he’d allow himself to smile, genuinely smile. The only time that he allowed his feelings to hit him. I know it broke him, losing our parents and then helping me a few years later when Jessica died in the car accident. Made sure that I didn’t tell myself that I was to blame for her death.”

“But he turned to drinking?”          

“I guess it was just too much for him. I can’t say that I don’t understand. He took on so much that I would have wanted our parents to do for him. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. He stopped drinking for a while, when he met Lisa. That really helped you know? He really did talk to her. Especially when she got pregnant. I haven’t seen him smile more than when Lisa was pregnant and later too, when Ben was just born. He was an angel to the baby. I don’t know what happened after.”

They walked in silence for a little while, both of their minds busy. “Where are you taking us anyway?”

“I am taking you to the best coffee shop slash food heaven in town,” Gabriel said, smiling widely, “and, best thing. People won’t even stop me or stare at me, as they have been doing all day long now.” Gabriel smirked. “Or haven’t you noticed all those people that have been practically following us from the park?”

“Oh, I noticed,” Sam said, shrugging, “I just chose to ignore it.” He had tried to at least.

“Ah, a man after my heart. We should be left alone in the little shop. People are used to me over there and their cakes are  _amazing_. I’m not even exagerating. They are the best cakes you’ve had, I promise.”

“Okay,” Sam smiled. “What if that isn’t the case though?”

“Then you get to take me to a better place, deal?”

“Deal.”

 

Turned out, Sam didn’t have to find someplace else to eat. They both had a piece of cherry pie and god, it was  _delicious_. Sam completely lost track of time as they talked and ate, Ben eventually sleeping on Sam’s lap after is bottle. Outside, the sky started to turn dark entirely too soon.

When Lisa called to tell him that they would have Dean admitted into a rehab facility that actually got covered by their insurance, he couldn’t be happier. Dean still wasn’t on board with the idea she said, but he was coming around. The doctor had taken blood and did an overall check-up, confirming that he was actually in a pretty bad shape.

“They’re putting him in rehab,” Sam said as he sank back into his seat, only to see Ben curled up in Gabriel’s arms, the pacifier half hanging out of his mouth. “He seems to have agreed to it and isn’t making too much of a fuss, luckily.”

“That’s good,” Gabe said with a smile. “This little one is knocked out. Are you ready for the bill? It’s getting late.”

“Sure.” If he was honest, Sam was more than happy to be out of the diner. The couple a few tables over had annoyed him the whole time that they sat there. He didn’t think that there was a human way of looking less accepting than that. And why even? Couldn’t two men have a cup of coffee together?

 

They arrived back at Sam’s apartment around six pm. It was already dark out, Sam more than ready to crawl into his bed and not come out of it until his hangover was completely gone. He hadn’t felt the effects of it too badly with Gabriel distracting him, but he needed sleep to get the last of it out of his system.

“I had fun today,” he said with a slight smile, “even if it was incredibly awkward this morning. Sorry about that by the way, I really didn’t want to spook you by being in your house when you woke up.”

“That’s okay,” Sam sighed, “weirdly enough, it doesn’t really bother me that much. And it’s not like you stole anything, right? So, we’re good.”

“Nope, nothing was stolen, maybe a little bit of candy, but well,” Gabriel laughed, “you won’t really miss it that much, will you?”

“Not really. I should get this little one to bed, or he’ll be grumpy.”

“Okay, oh, and Sam, do you want me to pick you up for the baby shower in a few days? I live a few blocks down, so you’d be on my way anyway.” Did Gabriel really look just a little bit nervous?

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Sam said, thankful. “Just text me when to be ready, okay?”

“Sure, goodnight Sam.”           

“Goodnight Gabe.”

               

Lisa picked Ben up the following morning, Dean in tow. He looked better than the previous time, but he still was about half a ghost, white, troubled. There was improvement though, his hair wasn’t as much of a mess and his beard had been shaved off and it was that that Sam counted on. Counted on to make the difference.

When he saw Ben, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and damn, if there wasn’t anything that Sam loved more than seeing his brother’s eyes light up with happiness.

“Did the little rugrat behave?” Dean asked with a smile as he pulled Ben close, pressing a kiss to the little man’s head. “Was he a good baby for his uncle Moose?”

“Uncle Sam. And yes, he was a good baby, even slept through the night without stealing my pillows, like he did before.” Sam couldn’t help the fond smile that crawled across his features as Ben settled in his father’s arms, looking up at him the widest smile Sam had seen from him thus far.

“Good. Hey, man, sorry about what I said, I was…” Dean said, the sad look returning to his eyes. The happiness gone again.

“You were drunk Dean,” Sam said, “it really doesn’t matter all that much. I learned to channel out your drunk talk a  _long_ time ago, trust me. You’re getting better though, and that is the most important part of it.”

“Yeah, I know, but I said some crap about Jess. That was low man, I know it’s been five years. I shouldn’t have done that. We’re driving to the center now. I just wanted to say sorry before, you know.”

“Dean, the last thing that you have to do right now is apologize. Get better and we will talk again.”

“Thanks man. You’ll visit, right?”

“Of course Dean,” Sam said, a slight smile on his lips, “you’re all the family I’ve got left. Now, go before you guys are late. If you can send letters, please do. If that helps at least. Just, know that I care, okay?”

“Bye Sammy,” he said, smiling tightly. “Stay positive, okay?”

“Bye Dean.”

 


	3. chapter two

 

__

 

_The hardest thing I'll ever do_

_is let go of you_

_And look forward instead of back to my past_

_I wonder how long this broken heart will last_

_I guess everything you ever said was a lie_

_So I'm going to move forward or at least I'm going to try_

_how many times can a heart crack before it shatters_

 

 

Gabriel arrived at Sam’s door at two pm sharp. A lot could be said about Gabe, but if there was one thing that was true, it was that he was punctual. Sam had decided to put on something simple, one of his usual plaid button up and a simple pair of comfortable jeans. It was a baby shower, not a wedding party or something. Still, he felt oddly conscious about what he was wearing.

“Are you all set?”

“Yes, just let me get my keys and we are good to go,” Sam said with a smile. “I’m getting real curious about the name though.”

“Not the only one,” Gabriel said with a smile, “what did you buy them? I really didn’t know what to get.”

“Yeah, I know, it took me forever to find something that they would like. I bought them a box of diapers and a few newborn clothes. That was all that I could come up with. How about you, what did you bring them?”

“This swing thing that I found at Target,” Gabriel shrugged, “I was going for a CD of our band first, but that wouldn’t have been appreciated.” He laughed. “It took me forever to find something though. I even called mom to see what she was giving them. It was a little bit of a fiasco.”

“Oh well, at least they’re having just one baby for now. I really won’t know what to buy for them next time.”

“Fair point. I really hope that their games aren’t too ridiculous, because I am not drinking from a baby bottle. They’re probably going to do that game though, I saw it on Pinterest.” Gabriel’s eye roll was more than obvious. “Amongst others. We’re going to  _die_ of embarrassment.”

“You’re on Pinterest?” Sam almost burst out laughing. “That’s a thing for woman. Lisa’s on that side twenty-four/seven trying to find adorable things to do for Ben. I’m not even kidding.”

“Recipes man, that side is full of delicious desserts. I’m telling you, you’re missing out on a ton if you’re not on that site. Don’t worry, Sammish, I’ll open your eyes to the world of Pinterest. You’ll be addicted before you know it.”

“Sure thing Gabe, sure thing.”

“Don’t laugh at me,” Gabe chastised. “Wait until later, I really want to see you drink for a baby bottle now.”

 

Ruby welcomed them in with a smile, telling them to hang their coats in the hallway and follow her to the living room. Luckily, they had decided on a small party. The house was big enough to host big events, but it wasn’t that. Sam just didn’t know if he could stomach a crowd of people today. Having too much people there just made him feel uncomfortable.

“Hi guys! Come on in, sit down,” Anna said with a smile. There were five other women that sat around the living room table and yes, not a single man. Today would be  _great._  “You are late!”

“That’s my fault,” Gabe said sheepishly, “I kind of forgot my present at home.”

“Oh, you guys came in one car?” Anna said, surprise in her voice. She really ought to hide it better. Oh well, Sam got what kind of thoughts that could provoke, especially in Anna, the curious banana. If there was one person as curious as her, that person had yet to be born.

“Yeah,” Sam said with a slight smile, “he doesn’t live too far away, so we carpooled. That was the easiest.”

“Sure,” she said with a smile, “let’s get started, shall we? We got a few easy games at first. Let’s start with the fun ones.” What they started with, was a diaper changing race. And hell, if there was anything funnier than seeing Gabriel mess with the diaper. Sam ended up coming in second of the bunch, which was good considering.

“You had practice with Ben,” Gabe complained after coming in fifth. He still wasn’t last, which was a start. “I’m totally beating you in the next games, don’t worry.”

“Game, on.” Anna kept looking back and forth, seeing what the hell the two were doing, not that Sam really minded. Next up was a guessing game, which Gabriel completely aced. He got closest to Anna’s belly size and, of course, laughed his ass off when Sam came in last. He had been kindest of them all though, and it wasn’t like he was that far off.

 

After all, the day appeared to be much more fun that he had thought at first. Anna did do the feared drinking from a bottle, at which they both failed miserably. Men weren’t made to drink from baby bottles after their third year, period.  The women had a lot of fun with the games though and even though a few of them weren’t really all that fun for Sam and Gabe, they still enjoyed themselves.

And the cake was wonderful, that was a start. It was maybe a little bit too sweet for Sam, but Gabriel devoured it in a few bites, still managing to look like an angel even with the fondant all around the corner of his mouth.

“You’ve got a little something,” Sam said laughing, when Gabriel didn’t notice that at all. Gabriel appeared to be completely blind as well, because he kept missing the piece of icing at the corner of his mouth. “Come here, you big baby.” With his napkin, he wiped away the speck at the corner of his mouth. “How you ever got to this age I’ll never know, you got that?”

“Yes mom,” Gabriel teased, sitting back on the couch. “Anything else?”

“No.” They ended up doing a game in couples, one that Ruby could actually join in for. They didn’t lose, but they didn’t win the game either. Those women really were good at guessing Anna’s cravings and such.

“You’ll get it when your girlfriend gets pregnant,” one of them told them with a smile. Sam didn’t have the heart to tell them that there probably wouldn’t be a girlfriend anytime soon and Gabriel too seemed to be a little bit uncomfortable. Why, he couldn’t say though. It still was Gabe, he looked uncomfortable about half of the time.

 

Night had fallen by the time that they were ready to leave. Sam was exhausted after a night of not sleeping, so when he suddenly woke up on a stranger’s couch, things were just that little bit awkward. It turned out, the stranger was no stranger. And he could cook like a god.

“You got this from Pinterest?” he asked after finishing his plate, “because I think I might have to change my definition of ‘for women’ if it is.”

“It is,” he said with a smile, “am I converting you to thinking Pinterest is awesome? I sure do hope so. Do you want me to drop you off at home?”

“Nah,” Sam sighed, “Riot is at the clinic for the night anyway, so I still got some time before I got to go. If that’s okay with you though?”

“Sure Sammish,” he said with a grin, “wine?”

 

Sam had no explanation about how they finished the bottle of wine. All he knew was that it was a damn good wine and well, that Gabriel really was pleasant company. They talked for what seemed hours about his family, how Dean was doing, about the band and a tour they would be going on soon.

Gabriel seemed almost shy when he asked if he had read any gossip websites lately.

“Should I have?” he asked with a smile – an effect of the wine.

“Maybe,” Gabriel sighed, before pulling out his laptop, “you should have seen this.” He clicked open a website that was too flashy and skipped to a page.

 _Gabriel Novak from The Three Fallen Archangels spotted making out with unknown boy?_ Underneath was a picture of Gabriel and Sam after their show the other night, when Sam had been drunk. Oh what he couldn’t remember. They were kissing, full on kissing with Sam’s hands on Gabriel’s waist and Gabriel’s hands in his hair. No, on closer inspection, his hands were on his ass, pulling Gabriel closer to him.

_Two days ago, on Wednesday night after their show in Lawrence, Kansas, Gabriel Novak was spotted with an unknown boy. Onlookers told PressWeekly that they stayed in the bar until it got hot and heavy and the guitarist and said unknown boy left. Presumably to either of their houses._

_The following shots were send to us the following day. While they are grainy, it is clear that they are of a half-naked Gabriel Novak in this boy’s apartment. Is the guitarist in love? They were later too seen together strolling down the center with a stroller. Questions arise. Is our gorgeous guitarist taken ladies?_

_Previous interviews with Gabriel already send suspicions about a possible boyfriend being in the picture, and now these pictures do confirm this. Wait for the next edition of our magazine, in which we will have an interview with the Three Fallen Archangels about their new album Burning and their love life. Check back later for more info on our handsome stranger._

‘”Are you kidding?” Sam asked, eyes wide. “I see. That’s why Anna had been so curious lately, isn’t it?” Sam vaguely remembered a phone call from Lisa, asking about something that she had heard and yeah, now all the pieces of the puzzle clicked together.

“Yeah,” Gabe said, actually blushing, “I have an interview with them, I’ll clear things up with them, don’t worry.” He laughed. “My publicist is entirely too excited about all the publicity is going to get though. She wants me to play this out to the max, so, yeah, I wanted to clear that with you first. I don’t know about you, but, yeah.” He was actually stammering now. “If you say no, I’ll tell her to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, but the other’s wanted me to check with you first.”

“Oh,” Sam was kind of taken aback from the question. “I don’t really know Gabe. Is this good for the band?” he nodded. “Well, as long as you don’t, I don’t know, imply too much or well, don’t tell the media anything too explicit, I don’t think that it really matters. Publicity is publicity, right?” Sam was blushing now too. Actual, tips of his ears red blushing. “Dude, I really have to be less drunk next time we talk about this kind of stuff.”

“Thanks Sam,” he said with a smile, “so you don’t mind if we pretend to be dating for the social media?”

“Nah,” he sighed, “I don’t. Does that mean that I have to post pictures of you on my Instagram and Facebook and such?”

“Probably,” Gabe sighed. “You should probably get used to having your picture taken, because we are going to get a lot of that. And if you are okay with it, you could come touring with us? Maybe? You don’t have to, obviously, but that sounds like something that a boyfriend would do.” They both probably couldn’t blush any more than they were already doing. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to and if your work doesn’t allow for that, I mean, you don’t have to.”

“No, it’s cool with me, don’t worry. Just, this is going to be real awkward for a very long time, you know that right?”

“I do,” Gabe said, “it’s already awkward, I don’t think that it can get a lot more awkward than this. We have a picture like that online for everybody to see, I’ve had family members call to ask about my boyfriend even, that is well, awkward enough.”

“I think Lisa, saw it too, which means that Dean knows. So yeah, I don’t really mind.”

 

Sam ended up staying at Gabriel’s place, even though it wasn’t his plan at all. He had wanted to go back to his place so he could at least get a good night of sleep before he had to go back to work and crazy people and well, life. He had to find a way to tell Lisa that there wasn’t anything going on between him and Gabe. Not that she would believe him.

What wasn’t the plan either was to sleep next to him. Especially not in the same bed. Sam was nowhere near drunk enough for that. Gabriel was a soft pillow, a steady heartbeat next to him and he kind of enjoyed it. The feeling of connection again.

After Jess, he hadn’t found connection to anybody. He’d been drunk right after, quite a few times. It had been when he discovered that he was into men as well. He liked sleeping with men more than he did with women. Women reminded him of her, men couldn’t. But he hadn’t stayed the night with either of those people. The second that the other person had fallen asleep, he’d left not even leaving a note.

It was heartless and well, Sam hated doing it, but it had been all that kept him sane back then.

Sam woke up before Gabriel, which was a surprise in its own. Not that it was that late or anything, he just, hadn’t expected it. He wasn’t a person to cuddle, he really wasn’t. Not usually at least. However, he was sprawled next to Gabriel, hugging him close. Actual, head on chest sleeping. The steady rhythm of Gabriel’s heartbeat was comforting enough to almost lull him back to sleep.

But, of course, they had to get up. Gabriel had asked the previous night to wake him up before eleven, so that he wouldn’t be too late for his band’s rehearsal. Sam quickly detangled himself from Gabriel before getting up, very pointedly ignoring the fact that he was actually beautiful and adorable when he was asleep. How Gabriel managed to fall asleep though, he had no idea. His cellphone was splayed across his chest, lighting up every few minutes with a notification. Sam was curious about the notifications, but left his pretend boyfriend’s phone where it was. It would only wake him up.

Gabriel’s house was massive. He hadn’t noticed that at first when they had entered, but now, damn, he could hardly find the kitchen to get a cup of coffee for the both of them. Sam needed coffee to wake up enough and Gabe had to wake up too. It was already ten am anyway, and he really ought to get up if Gabe wanted to be ready for band practice.

Gabe was already awake when Sam eventually found his way back to the bedroom. He was still grumpy, but it looked good on him. Well, as good as a pout could look on a grown man. Which was pretty good, pretty damn good.

After seeing the picture online, things had started to rush back and god, he was embarrassed. If Gabriel hadn’t been so persistent, he might - he didn’t even want to think about that - he might have given Gabe a blow job in that alley, maybe even worse. He had been drunk enough to actually do it.

It would have given great headlines, but he certainly did not want to have his picture in the newspapers with him sucking off Gabe’s cock or well, with his cock up another man’s ass. He could only imagine the conversation with Dean when he saw that. It would be, well, comical, but he certainly did not want to attempt that.

"Good morning sleepyhead," he said, smiling, before giving Gabriel his cup. He took it from him with mild surprise in his eyes. "What the hell did you do all night, wrestle a lion or something?" He looked confused, for a few seconds, before running his hands through his hair.

"Very funny. You’re not that much better Sammy.” Yes, this was full on grumpy Gabriel Novak and it was the best thing.

"Hey, if I'm supposed to be playing your boyfriend, we're going to play this right. You got me?" Sam laughed. "Oh, that made me think. Should I create an Instagram or something or Twitter? So that, you know, you can tag me in stuff and we'd come across more like a couple, but then less obvious?" He was stammering, falling over his own tongue. "You know, if you don't like the idea, it is okay. I just thought that it could come in handy. You know, for the press?”

"Good idea," Gabe said, yawning. "If you are okay with that, sure. But, like I said, this is a crazy idea Sam. Are you sure that you want to do this? You don't have to you know."

"I want to help my favorite band.” Sam winked at Gabe. “And hanging out with somebody witty has never hurt anybody that I know of." He shrugged. "And, besides. It isn’t like it is that big of a deal. Your brothers will know that we are just pretending, right? So it's not like I would have to be at every rehearsal and pretend to be all head over heels in love with you."

"Yeah, they know that I would talk about it with you. They all seemed to be very enthusiastic about the idea. And if you're going to be at our tour, you should probably, you know, get to know them." Gabe was stammering now. "Do you want to come to our rehearsal later?"

"Yeah. Go take a shower before though. You look as if you just wrestled with lions and that isn't even exagerating."

"Yes mom." Gabriel's grin was officially one of Sam's favorite things in the whole wide world.

    

They arrived a little late for their rehearsal, but the other people didn't seem to mind. He met Gabriel's mom, who was a real sweetheart. He couldn't really talk to her properly without Gabriel having to translate what he said to her - she hadn't learned how to read lips - but she was still very kind to him. That smile in his lips told him enough anyway. She knew about the rumors.

"Your mom reads the gossip pages?" he asked, almost chocked. “Does everybody read the gossip magazines? This is not how I want everybody to know me, you know that right.”

"Of course she does," he beamed, "she's our number one fan, not even kidding. But don't worry about her. She can hardly tell anyone." He smirked. “And, she totally thought that I was seeing somebody before. She gave me a whole Skype lecture about telling her first if I have a boyfriend and stuff.”

"You'll need to teach me basic sign language Gabe. You make me feel like a fool in front of your mother because I can't speak to her."

"She'll be touched," he laughed. "It's down this way, by the way. I'll go fetch you some books to read about ASL once you've met everybody. Also, I warn you, they are all pretty annoying at times. And I don't even know if they know that we aren't really a thing. So if they say something weird, don't pay too much attention to it." He stayed silent for a little while. "They'll probably think that you won't last too long anyway."

"Your brothers really don't think good of you, do they?"

"Not really, but that is what makes them my brothers, no? Isn't Dean ever mean to you? It's like the same thing. They annoy me a little and really, I usually don't take their crushes serious either. I should have done that with Castiel's wife when she first came around, because she really wasn't too big of a fan of me the first few weeks, but they'll come around, you'll see."

"Okay then," he muttered, before following Gabe through the door. It gave way to the biggest rehearsal studio he had seen thus far. Three guitars hung at the wall, there was a microphone, a few sets of drums along the wall.

"Welcome to our cave," Gabriel said with a smile. "This is where we all learned that we maybe did sound pretty decent together. Mom used to be pretty pissed with us for rehearsing in the basement so much, because she could hear the vibrations and never knew who of us was in there." He laughed, "That, and the fact that we actually missed a few dinners because we hadn't heard her call for us. Our dad didn't really care if we came up for dinner, as long as we didn't rehearse our songs in front of him. Not too big a fan of rock." He smiled. “And he would take food downstairs for us if we stayed away too long.”

"Hi Gabe, late, as usual." The voice didn't even bother to sound annoyed at his brother’s lateness. "I take it that that is your gossip magazine boy toy."

"Hey, watch your words, Luci," Gabe said, actually sounding annoyed for a change. "Guys, this is Sam, he's the one in the pictures, yes, you  _know_  that. Sam that is Lucifer behind the drums, Cassie behind the keyboard. Balthazar isn't even here yet, so were not LAST Lucifer, you devil." Gabriel said with a grin. "He'll probably come running in any second though. Mark my words. He'll be here. Guys, as I said, this is Sammy."

"Sam," he automatically corrected. "Nice meeting all of you."

"Yeah," Castiel said with a gentle smile. "I trust our brother has told you all about us and bad we are, no? It seems a lot like him to do that."

"He didn't, actually," Sam said, smiling, "but I trust the opposite is true and you've heard all about me.”

"The gossip magazines told us enough," Luci said. "I don't think that you grabbing my brother's ass is a good way of meeting.”

"Lucifer," Gabe chastised, "he's agreed to play along with me for the press. Don't you ruin it for him, 'kay. He can just cut out of the deal any second if you guys are too much too handle." Then Gabriel silenced, as if there was something else that he wanted to say, but doesn’t.

"He does have a point Gabe," Sam said, blushing, "not a good way of meeting." He couldn't help but think that the press really shouldn't have been there for the aftermath. "And that will be very well avoided the next time, if there even is a next time. I still want to be able to appear in public without being stared at or laughed at, thank you very much."

"Mom must be proud after seeing that pic," Lucifer said and Sam really hoped that it was meant more jokingly than it sounded. “I hope they know that you are gay, because otherwise, you’d be in big trouble.”

"Can't exactly be proud anymore." He really didn't want to sound that annoyed, he really didn't. But they shouldn't talk about his family like that. It wasn't like he even had them around anymore. "But I'm sure she would have just laughed it off, knowing them." He was sure his annoyance was clear in his eyes. “They didn’t care whether their kids were straight or not.” His voice was like daggers just then. From the look on Gabriel’s face, something that he hadn’t expected at all. “Don’t bring them up if you don’t know what you are talking about.”

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay.” His voice was still icy. “Gabe, you think you could show me those books now? If you need to wait for Balthazar anyway." Luckily, Gabriel got the hint and took him outside before he could ruin his chances on being friendly with them.

"Sorry for my brothers," he said apologetically, pulling him up three flights of stairs, "I swear that they are usually less mean to people. I don’t they really like you."

"Brother, singular,” Sam said, “Castiel was kind, ish, he said hello. It’s just, Gabriel, I really want to be friendly with your brothers. It seems. I just, I don't know, I don't want them to be talking about my parents like that. Just not the right timing you know?"

"You never told me why that was," Gabriel mused as they walked down the hall to his bedroom, "you don't have to if you don't feel comfortable you know. It is just something that I'd like to you one day. So I know what to not tell during the interview."

"I told you about the fire. That was a little over fourteen years ago. The day that Dean drunk dialed me marked the fourteen year anniversary of my father’s passing. It's just that, with all this crap that my brother is going through, it kind of feels like it is all fresh again. With Jess too. You know, it isn't easy."

"Okay," he sighed, before getting the books. "I'll tell them to take it easy and explain it to them. They need to know to keep their mouth about that during interviews too. I mean, it isn't something that you allow to be published in magazines. That's private."

"Like your mom?"

"Yes, like mom. Dad had us promise not to mention it unless specifically asked for. Said that he didn't want to make mom seem like we are using her for more publicity or attention.” Gabriel fell silent for a little while. “And he has a point, I get why he doesn't want us to. You good to go back? I think I saw Balth walk down just now. He's the cool one of the bunch, trust me. If there is anyone you'll like, it'll be him."

 

Gabriel led him back downstairs. The very second that they walked in through the doors, they were greeted by loud chatter, the clangs of a piano. Castiel sat behind the piano, practicing the chords to one of the songs on their new album. He was almost completely absorbed in playing.

"Hello brother," the new face, Balthazar said, "I see you took your boy along. Hello, what's your name?"

"Sam," he offered, shaking his brother's outstretched hand. He would definitely like this brother best, judging from his behavior now. "Winchester. Nice meeting you."

"Pleasure all mine," he said, smiling, "I love meeting the boys that Gabriel brings home every once in a while. You really did find a handsome one this time Gabriel." And there was that blush again. God, he really did blush too damn easy, another thing that he would have to work on if he was ever going to handle the press that being supposedly in love with a rock star brought along. "Why don't we get started? I have to go early tonight, I've got a date with a beautiful lady and I do not want to keep her waiting."

 

Sam only half listened to them play and half read the books that Gabe had picked for him. He didn't try to make the signs, knowing that he'd have to work on the way that he was supposed to sign them, because god damn, he really was awful at it.

Gabriel was a good distraction though. Seeing him practice and actually enjoy himself, not even annoyed with Balthazar when he messed up three times in a row. Their demeanor was so different than when they were on stage. On stage, they looked tougher, more charming. Here, they were just brothers, enjoying playing and well, messing with each other. It really was well, good to see.

 

It took about an hour before practice was over because Balthazar had to leave. Sam had given up on flipping through the books halfway through, knowing that it was a lost cause anyway. Gabriel was too distracting – a fact that he would never say out loud.

“Come on,” Gabriel said with a laugh, before pulling him upstairs with him. “I know you’ve been dying to practice. Welcome in my former castle. Don’t mind the mess.” His room was indeed a mess. Sam hadn’t really paid attention before, but well. It was a hot mess. “Also, Sam, I know that mom would really appreciate it, but you don’t have to learn sign language.”

“I want to,” he sighed, “I feel like a fool when I am talking to your mother because you have to translate everything.”

“Well, you’ll be her favorite son-in-law I guess,” Gabe said, laughing again. “Okay, first things first. I guess you should learn how to say, nice to meet you. Well, because, I don’t know, my mom raised me right. Open your palms.” Sam felt kind of awkward as Gabe helped him correct his movements. They were maybe a little bit close, sitting next to each other on the bed.

“Like this?” Sam asked, probably red from all the blushing that he had been doing, attempting to copy Gabe’s movements.

“Yes, very good Sammish.” Gabe actually seemed to be happy, relieved maybe even. “Now, next one. See you later, which you’ll probably be able to use on her in a second.” He demonstrated the sign. “Mom won’t grill you if you make a little mistake, you don’t know her, but she is a real sweetheart, don’t worry.”

“I know,” Sam sighed, before letting himself fall back on his bed, “do you think that you could drop me off at the clinic later? I need to go ahead and pick up Riot.”

“Sure. Why did he need to go to the clinic anyway?”

“Something with his legs, I could go into detail, but you probably wouldn’t know what I am talking about anyway, I am guessing.” Sam laughed. “Unless you are both an animal expert as well as a musical talent?”

“Not really,” Gabe said, laughing now, “Let’s get going then.”

 

Sam said goodbye to Gabe’s mother in actual sign language, after which Gabe quickly dropped in by the clinic. With Riot half knocked out on the back seat, they drove to Sam’s apartment.

“Thanks, for today,” Sam said with a slight smile on his lips, “I actually did enjoy myself, a lot. So, yeah, thanks.”

“Don’t worry Sammy,” Gabe said with a smile. “I’ll call you when we have another gig or something. Good night.”

“Night Gabe.”

 


	4. chapter three

 

_From the get-go I knew this was hard to hold_

_Like a crash the whole thing spun out of control_

_Oh, on a wire, we were dancing_

_Two kids, no consequences_

_Pull the trigger, without thinking_

_There's only one way down this road_

**Time Bomb; All Time Low**

 

Gabriel called him two days later, telling him about this gig that they had a little over an hour outside of Lawrence. It was two days after Gabe had posted the first picture of him on social media. Gabriel had sneaked the picture in that morning before leaving for band practice and posted it without letting him even know. It was kind of funny, seeing the reactions on the picture rain in. The comments underneath the picture were just crazy. At least, some of them. Most were pretty normal. Or at least, that was what Gabriel told him.

And it could have been a picture that led to more. It was just a picture of Sam with Gabriel’s guitar in his hands, attempting to play. Gabe had laughed his ass off at Sam’s complaints about how impossible it was to play a bar chord or how much his fingers hurt.

Gabe picked him up at seven am, a god damn ungodly hour to get on the road, Riot in the back seat, now almost completely recovered from his operation. The doctor had said that it could take a few days before he was walking normally and as active as usual, but after only two days, he seemed to be almost completely recovered. He ate well and even though he still walked with a little bit of a limp, he was almost back to normal, better.

And damn excited to see Gabriel. He was practically jumping up and down at the sight of the, by now familiar face.

“Hey there Riot,” Gabriel said, laughing, before petting the dog’s head. “You’re happy to see me, are you? I think your dog likes me more than you do Sammy.”

“Probably,” Sam said, smiling, “so, when are we meeting the others? The gig isn’t until later today, is it?”

“It starts around five, which means we have to be there around three thirty to set up. We usually get there a half an hour before we are due to, just to be safe. We once got the wrong time table, things were all messed up. So, yeah. We’ll arrive there around noon I think. So that should leave us enough time to go around a little. You know, show our faces.”

“We’re still supposed to pretend we’re in that awkward phase of us pretending not to be a couple for the media or?” Gabriel had just started the car. “Or what phase are we in now? The ‘we are a thing but the media just doesn’t know yet’?”

“I’m not sure,” Gabe sighed, “I think it’s probably something like that. I had the interview last week, you know, stating that I indeed am seeing somebody. So, they’ll trust us to be like a couple when we’re out. Doesn’t mean that we have to walk hand in hand though, that would be maybe overdoing it.”

“Yes. Totally.” Sam didn’t stop to think that while it had to be awkward, it may just feel nice too, to feel a warm hand in his, a hand that would fit in his like one day a long time ago, Jess’s had fit in his.

“You’re still cool with it right? It is not too awkward for you? Because I can just tell the press that we broke it off and we’ll never have to talk again.”

“Gabe,” Sam sighed, exhausted of saying the same thing over and over and over again, “it isn’t awkward for me. Okay, maybe a little, but damn, this is supposed to be awkward, and it is not like I can just stop being friends with you either okay? I like your company.” And he was blushing, again. Gabriel really had a knack for getting him to blush. “So you can get it out of your head that I don’t want to help you out here.”

“Okay. I don’t know if I would be able to stop being friends with you either, you are very pleasant company.” Gabriel smiled his favourite smile, the one that stretched across his whole face, lighting up his eyes. “I was thinking that we could go this Italian place that I love, it is in town and you’ll love it. They cook with organic ingredients, everything is clean and the thing is, it is delicious.”

“You really do know me too well,” Sam sighed.

“You’re the one with only organic food in the house even if your pay check barely covers it.” He turned the radio up a little louder, to the station that would broadcast the interview. “Is it okay if we listen to the interview? It usually spooks me out a bit, but you should probably know what I said, so.”

“It’s fine.”

        

It was a silent drive over until the interview started on the radio. After they finished playing Coldplay, the host started talking, quickly chatting about the interview, giving a background sketch on the band and the members.

“Lead guitarist, Gabriel Novak, came out as bisexual a week ago when he was spotted with another man,” the host said, “and we have him here with him, along with his brothers. You guys send in questions. We selected a few of them, adding in our own. First of all, thank you all for coming guys.”

“That was no problem,” Castiel said. Sam could hear the accompanying boredom, even though he couldn’t see his face. “You know we love being here.” And oh, Cas sounded so incredibly sincere in that precise moment.

“Why don’t we get started with a few questions for you Gabriel? Of course, other band members can pitch in if they want to help answer. Our first question is from one of our listeners, Charlie. Charlie, you are on speaker.”

“Hello.” The girl sounded pretty young. “We know you probably get asked all about this all the time. But after last night’s Instagram picture. Who is the hottie?” The silence that hung in the room for a few seconds was almost tense.

“Well, Charlie,” Balthazar said, probably with the all too familiar smirk on his face, “That hottie, as you say, is our brother’s new boy toy.” He lifted an eyebrow to Gabe, shooting him a silent ‘ _are you fucking serious? Is your brother_ still  _calling me your boy toy?_ On air?!’

“Hey, you watch it,” Radio Gabriel said, cutting in before Balthazar could say more. “Charlie, that boy is one of my dear, best friends. Sammish. Well, technically Sam.”

“Gabriel, you can hardly say that you are best friends.” This time it was Lucifer that spoke. “You’re not just best friends.”

“Then let me finish. Excuse me for my childish brothers. No, indeed, Sam and I used to be best friends, as I was saying before Luci here cut me short, but right now, I actually don’t know what we are. You’ll have to ask him if you ever see him huh.”

“Take it from a good source,” Castiel said, “they are more than best friends. Trust me, you haven’t seen them during band practice. He’s there, all the time. He’s even learning sign language now. It’s adorable.” The word had gone out that their mother was deaf a few months after the release of their second album. While they had all been pretty shocked and the fans actually felt really bad for them all, it had settled pretty well. “No, soon enough, they’re going to start cooking for each other.”

“We’re already doing that, occasionally.” Radio Gabriel spoke again. “He’s a damn fine chef. You should taste his lasagna’s one day, they’re the  _best._ ”

“Ok Charlie, thank you for your question. Let’s switch to Becky. Becky, you’re live.”

“Hi! I too have a question for Gabriel. What happened that you decided to switch teams?”

“I take it,” Radio Gabriel sighed dramatically, “that you are talking about who I chose to fall in love with. Nothing happened, if you want to put it like that. I am still team ladies too. I just hadn’t dated a guy before publically and that is literally all that changed. I didn’t correct our lovely host before.” Sam could hear the sarcasm in his fake boyfriend’s voice so clearly that it made him smile even wider than before. “But I am indeed queer, a panromantic gray asexual if you want to get it right.”

 

All by all, the interview was pretty weird to listen to. They talked about him and Gabriel a few more times, but that was about it. One person talked about the alley moment, and that question was promptly ignored by everybody. Even the interviewer had sounded just a little bit awkward after that. The whole thing had felt a bit off starting the moment that Gabriel had mentioned being panromantic grey asexual.

Something about it didn’t sit right with Sam. A romantic orientation? It confused him. He had heard of pansexual before, had even thought before that he himself could be pansexual before deciding that label didn’t matter, but romantic? He didn’t really know what to see that as.

Actually, he had hoped that Gabe would explain it during the interview, but nobody had asked and nobody offered.

“So, you’re okay with everything I said, right?” Gabe asked when the music started up again after a few seconds of awkward silence. “I didn’t say nothing that I shouldn’t have said?”

“Everything that you said was true, so, no, not really,” Sam sighed.

“Also, my publicist asked me to ask you, and like I said, I am totally fine with you saying no, but we have a television interview in a week about our upcoming tour. It’ll be about the music and such, but it would be good if you would be there backstage. There will probably be somebody of the show there with you. They’ll ask you questions, I think they were even planning on a little game or something. Castiel’s wife is coming to, Balthazar is bringing that girl that he is dating and Lucifer, I have no idea, I believe he is taking one of his friends, Tom. He had been around before. They thought it was a good idea that you come to. Just so, you know, they get to see you and actually hear you for a change.” He was rambling again, like he always did when he was uncomfortable. “If you’re uncomfortable with being on television, you can say no you know.”

“Sure, I’ll do it,” Sam said with a smile. “Though I’m not too crazy about the cameras, but they won’t be panning to us all the time, right?”

“No.”

“Okay then, count me in. Now this Italian place, where was that? Because I am starving.”

 

Gabriel hadn’t lied, which was a pleasant surprise. After the little bit of press outside, snapping pictures as they easily weaved through them and inside, things were blissfully calm inside. The waitress brought them to a room in the back, promising them that they wouldn’t get clear pictures.

Sam honestly doubted that after seeing the cameras that they sported. It was almost like they were tagging old school video cameras along instead of something to take a fucking picture with. Sam ordered risotto with mushrooms, a choice followed by Gabe.

“This is nice,” he said with a smile, “isn’t it, nice and calm.”

“Especially after outside,” Sam agreed. “How late does your gig end later?”

“It starts at five, so around seven I think, maybe eight. It depends. We usually stay for drinks and then stay in a hotel. If you want, we can go back home. I think Lucifer will probably be just a little drunk, alone in his room anyway. Castiel is driving back home too. One of the twins is sick so he wants to be there for them. Gina told him to do the gig though.”

“Poor thing.”

“Yeah, it’s just an ear infection or something though. It’ll be over by next week according to the doc but you know Cas. He worries.”

“Do you want to stay?”

“It would be handy. We can drive back in daylight hours. I’m still a little queasy about driving in the dark. It just freaks me out.” Sam wasn’t too happy with driving in the dark either, so he wouldn’t disagree with him on that one.

"So, do you want to go back to the hotel?" Sam asked with a slight smile on his lips. He had just finished his coffee and watched Gabe finish his dessert, which had been pretty tasty. He had been offered a forkful, and well, how could he say no? "You know, get cleaned up before your gig?"

He had pretended to ignore the looks that the other people shot them, some of unease and some well, they were just weird. People were always weird he guessed.

"Yeah," Gabe sighed, "I want to take a shower before. God, I need ten hours of sleep before I play the gig. But well, can't really do that now, can we?" He laughed, one of Sam’s favorite smiles. "Let's pay and head out. I think Riot will go crazy if he has to stay in the car alone much longer."

"Probably. The hotel allows dogs inside, right?"

"They do," Gabe said with a smiled, "I asked them when I made our reservation, well, I had them ask when the publicist made the reservation. I don't know if she got us two separate rooms or one room with two singles. That's what I asked at least. We'll see. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."

"It's okay," Sam sighed, "it's not like we haven't slept in the same room before."

"We both know that that was different, and well, even then, we haven’t done that unless we were drunk." And that really showed how messed up their relationship was really.

"How pathetic is that," Sam said, holding back a laugh. "We're friends, but we're hardly friendly unless we are drunk out of our minds. What is up with that?"

"A lot." There was a tense, short silence in which Gabe paid their bill. Sam wanted to pitch in his share, but he wouldn't listen. "Sammy, I am the one with the largest amount of digits on their bank account, I pay." There was a smirk on his face as he decided to speak louder. They were walking out, the press again surrounding him. "Besides. it would be just a little cruel to let you pay on our date, isn't it?"

“You sneaky bastard,” he muttered under his breath, before letting Gabe pull him to the car, where they paused.

“How about we take a walk to the hotel? It’s not that far and I can have one of our crew get the car afterwards.”

“Sure.” Sam really should say no, considering the fact that he was freezing, but well, Gabriel was warm enough for the both of them. They walked close together, Gabriel's coat over his shoulders when he had noticed Sam's shivering. It was a comic sight, he knew that. The coat was  _way_ too short on him. Oh well, at least it was comfy.

"You could have said no you know," he said with a teasing smile, pulling Riot's leash from Sam's numb hands so they could warm up. "You'd be inside a nice and warm car."

"You wanted to walk," he said, shrugging, "and, you know, ugh, the press loves this." Sam himself had posted a picture on Instagram a minute or something ago, without Gabe even noticing. He always was so distracted that he didn't notice when his front camera was on. That was how he’d been able to take the picture. At first, he didn't even want to post it, it was too pretty, but well, he ended up posting it anyway. The comments that were raining in were priceless.

 _He's adorable <3_ read one of the first, followed by  _you're totally in love_ a few comments down. It was kind of fun to see them come in. Because, well, if he had to admit it, they could be right. He could be falling for the guy. It terrified him.

"You know that the picture just pops up into my feed, right?" Gabe looked up at him with a grin on his face. "And that I can pay you back for that?" Surely, a few seconds later, he popped up in his feed. Sam had to admit that it was a decent picture.

_That awkward moment when you're freezing and you have to accept your best friend's coat. Silly Sammy._

"Two can play that game." Gabriel smiled at him with that knowing smile, before stopping at a random booth next to the road, buying them both some hot chocolate.

"Hot chocolate for the ice cone," he said with a smile. "Will that warm you up?"

"Yeah, thanks Gabe." Their hands touched for a little while and god, it was awkward. Well, not really awkward, awkward wasn't the right word for it. The right word was, weird? Sam fought the urge to take Gabe's hand and curl his icy fingers over his warm hands. "You're an angel."

"Archangel," Gabe said with a teasing smile, before taking out his phone to snap a picture of Sam.  "Help me caption this one Sammy." He stood closer, leaning in to Gabe's warmth and read what he had set up so far. "Guess we'll have to keep warm huh ;)"

"You are king of the awkward captions and I can tell you without a doubt, that won't work. Hold this for a second.” Sam smiled slightly as he typed, giving him his smartphone back. “Better?”

“This guy thinks I’m an angel,” Gabe said out loud, laughing to himself. “Dude, no. We’re supposed to pretend that we’re dating but not open about it, that is a  _we have been married for years_  caption. Let me think for a second, I'll come back to you for those.”

"Hey, you asked for improvement, I call that improvement. What you just did was telling the world that we are going back to the hotel to have sex." The tips of his ears turned scarlet. "Hmm."

"Fair point. How about  _Hot Chocolate + a band performance later = AWESOME night_."

"Use that one," Sam agreed, before it went live. Oh well. "And Gabe, you really do take too many damn pictures of me on your phone. I feel like you are taking a picture every few minutes."

"Not true, you're exagerating, I only take a picture of you every hour." The grin was back on his lips. "And you do the exact same thing Samuel Winchester. Pot meet kettle."

"It's Sam. You literally give me every nickname, except Sam. It kind of is annoying sometimes you know." He didn't even mean it in a bad way. "Could you not use the nicknames during interviews?"

"Sure. You said talk earlier Sam, what’s up?"

“Uh, nothing, never mind,” Sam muttered, clutching the hot chocolate a bit tighter. “We’ll talk about it later.”

 

A half an hour later, they were at the hotel with their bags. Riot was exhausted after their walk over, looking up at them with pleading looks. The second that they entered the room, he fell down on the bed, looking ever so thankful. The poor dog had had a rough day. He was still recovering after all.

"Uh, Gabe? I thought you said there would be two beds?" Sam turned back to Gabe, who was lingering in the doorway, talking to Lucifer. He had the room across from them and from what Sam could understand, he was telling Gabe not to make too much noise. Damn brothers.

"I thought so, oh, shit." Gabriel actually looked distressed instead of playful for a change. "Hold it for a second, I'll go downstairs. If they can't fix it, I'll sleep on the couch, you take the bed," he sighed. "You're the one who needs the length of the bed. I'll see if I can clear it with the publicist next time."

"Oh, okay. Uh, do you want me to wait for you to come back?"

"I'll be right back."

 

It turned out, it was no mistake. Gabriel's publicist had put them up and well, they had paid for a single room. They could give them separate single rooms, but they would be on the sixth floor and at opposite ends of the building, so they agreed to stay inside.

"It's not that bad," Sam shrugged. He had thrown his suitcase on the bed, immediately digging in to find his long, warm flannel plaid button up. "You can sleep on the bed though. You’ll need a warm bed after."

"We'll see okay?" Gabe was stressing, Sam was one hundred percent sure of that. They had about fifteen minutes before they had to be at the concert hall and they had a half an hour to drive. Lucifer was kind of angry with him because they would be late, Cas too and Balth, well, he hadn't said anything. "Let us just go."

"Okay, okay."

 

Setting up all of the equipment was something that Sam couldn't help with, so he stayed behind the scenes, watching everybody work on the stage like a synchronized dance. Everybody was so used to building their stuff up together that it was just crazy to watch.

He - getting in the habit - snapped a picture of it, setting it as his background. Gabe would hate him for it, but what else could he do? He was kind of bored. Gina wasn't here - which wasn't too surprising - so he couldn't talk to her, all the boys were working on the stage and he could hardly talk to the microphone stands. Usually other relatives of the band members were there, but now, there was no one. It kind of made Sam wish that he had stayed at home to work on his book.

"Hi," Gabe said with a smile, coming back to grab one of the guitars. "You okay here? Want anything to drink or something?"

"I should be offering you that," Sam said with a grin, taking Gabe's leather jacket from his shoulder. He was sweating from all the running around, but he didn't seem to mind even the slightest. "So, do you need anything? Want me to hold anything else?"

"Should be good now, thanks though. You keeping busy?"

"I kinda feel like a waste standing here and there's hardly anything that I can do to help you. I'd only get in the way."

"Come with me and grab a guitar, you can help me tune them." Gabe pulled him along to the back of the stage, where one of the guitars was already standing in its holder. It was Gabe's favourite, Sam knew, of sleek ebony. She - as Gabe called it - was a beauty, he had to admit that.

Sam was awful at playing the guitar, or any type of musical instrument. Gabriel had tried to teach him a few accords the other day, and it had sounded decent, but that was about it. A rock star career like Gabe wasn't in his future.

Gabriel sat him down on the ground putting a guitar in his hands. "Have you ever tuned a guitar before? Or watched somebody do it? It's not that hard."

"I've seen you do it before," he offered sheepishly.

"Okay, you just play the top string on Merce." Sam did as Gabe commanded, adjusting the strings were needed. It actually worked out pretty well, ending up in Sam helping tune the other instruments as well. As long as he just had to play a note, things were okay. He chose to ignore the looks that the other band members shot them. They were just that little bit weird. Sam would get used to them eventually, especially if he was actually sticking around the whole tour.

"Thanks Sam," Gabriel said with a grin. As a reply, Sam brought his hand up to his mouth and pulled it away again, signing the sign for 'you’re welcome'. Gabe beamed at him.

"You've been learning on your own!"

"Just a little," Sam laughed. "I don't want to feel like a fool. Every time you teach me something, I feel like a complete and utter fool, so I thought, why not.”

 

It took them another half an hour to get ready, giving them only a half an hour to relax and get everything else sorted. Some of the others still had to get changed, something Gabe had done at the hotel.

“Are you going to be backstage?” Gabe asked him, fiddling with his tie. Sam didn’t even know why he had decided to wear a tie with the shirt, but it looked good. At least, if he would wear it a little more loosely.

“Let me. I don’t know, I don’t really mind what you decided to have me do. What do you want?” Sam knew what he wanted, to be in the crowd and just sit there while everybody around him went crazy. That, even though sitting backstage would be fun too. Sam loosened the tie a little making it sag just a bit.  "I'm fine with either."

"It would be awesome to see you in the crowd. I could get you in as my VIP guest, but having you chill out backstage when we take a break would be fun as well. Your call."

“We'll see,” Sam said with a smile, letting the tie fall back on his shirt, straightening it a little. “Is this better?”

“Yes mom,” Gabe teased, a smirk on his face. “Thanks Sammy.”

 

Sam was just a little bit confused when the others left the stage for the last song of the set and Gabe took seat in the middle. He had pulled up a chair to the front of the stage, guitar balancing on his knee. He looked utterly adorable though, so he guessed that it took away some of the weirdness.

“You guys are okay with just me huh?” Gabriel joked, though Sam swore that he could hear the nerves in his voice. “Want me to call the others back for We Might Be Dead tomorrow? You all know who this is for.” Gabriel spotted him in the crowd, giving him a glance and a wink. “Hope you all enjoy our last song for the night.”

When Gabe started singing, the whole atmosphere in the room shifted. It had been playful before, the band playing their usual, happy and cheerful songs. This song was much deeper Sam realized as his angel sang, the words that sounded so familiar and weird at the same time.

“Give me all your love now / 'Cause for all we know / We might be dead by tomorrow.” The picking pattern blended into slow strumming, Gabe completely absorbed into the song. “I can't go on wasting my time / Adding scars to my heart / 'Cause all I hear is / I'm not ready now.” Around him, people were silent, watching him as he played.

Sam was one of them, watching in complete and utter, well, and awe. All of their songs were more or less the same style, upbeat with a lot going on. Suddenly hearing something like this, it was different. Sad different. Emotional different. Good different. “And I can tell / That you had / To face your father / Losing his lover / Without saying goodbye / Without being around / 'Cause he didn't had time.” He was staring at Sam at he sung now, eyes wide open, almost as if he was saying sorry. “I don't want to judge / What's in your heart / But if you're not ready for love / How can you be ready for life? / how can you survive?” Tears were spilling over Sam's face now, streaking his cheeks and staining his shirt. Gabe's eyes never left him though. They stayed trained on him, almost without blinking.

People were catching up on that, on the dynamic between them. Some were recognizing him. He was sure that he saw a few flashes, but he didn't care. All he cared about was Gabe right now. Hell, if he could, he would totally drag him close and hug him.

“So let's love fully / And let's love loud / Let's love now / 'Cause soon enough we'll die / and the world may be dark / but let me be your light.” The strumming died away for a little while. “And I can tell / That you had / To see your mother / in her grave / Without saying goodbye / Without being around / 'Cause you didn't have time.” He was staring at Sam as he sang now, eyes wide open, almost as if he was saying sorry. “I want to hold you close / and let you come around / but I am afraid / Of what's in your heart / the dark bounds of depression / you never show / but I'll hold you close darling / and won't let you go.” Gabe simply stood up with a sad half frown on his face, took his guitar and walked off the stage, the lights fading out as he left. He could swear that he saw tears in his eyes too.

               

Sam weaved through the crowd in record time, taking his beer with him. Gabe had told him to come to the backstage door after the show, he'd come pick him up. He still had tears in his eyes from the freaking song. god damn it.

He really shouldn't be crying about something like that. The song in itself wasn't even that sad. It was just that, it was about him. About them. Even if it was just a scam to see how the media would react to it. Sam Winchester didn't cry easily, he didn't. His brother could testify that fact.

Gabriel had said that he’d come pick him up by the backstage door when he was done with the gig and that he would hurry. What Sam didn’t expect was to be greeted within two minutes, with a very nervous looking Gabriel.

Sam stepped closer, throwing his arms around Gabriel, who gasped half surprised, pulling him inside. He was sweaty from the show that he had just played and Sam could swear that he could hear the others in the background. Not that he really cared though.

“You bastard,” he murmured, “You warn me next time. You fucking warn me.”

               

He ended up staying backstage with the others all night, before heading back to the hotel with them. He and Gabe had both had a few beers, but nothing too major. Both of them were used to so much more beer than that.

“You liked the song, right?” Gabriel asked as he closed the door behind him.

“I loved it,” Sam said with a grin, “but like I said, you give me a heads up dude. You made me cry like a baby.”

“Yeah, noticed that.” The lazy grin was on Gabe’s face too. “I’m going to get my PJ’s on and crawl on the couch to sleep, I’m hammered.”

“Yeah, me too.” Sam quickly changed in the bedroom while Gabe dressed in the bathroom. He was pulling on his shirt when Gabe entered again, making him actually stop dead in his tracks. “See something you like?”

“Your tattoo.” He took a hesitant step closer, hand reaching out to touch it. The words stretched out across his ribs, ‘and to ashes we return’. “I kinda forgot that you had one.”

“Barely anybody knows or well remembers,” Sam said with a slight smile, nodding to tell Gabe that he could touch. He didn’t say that Gabe’s hands felt cold on his skin, or that he enjoyed the feeling, that it set something loose inside of him. “I think that Dean does, he should know that. I mean, he was there when I got it. My sixteenth birthday present.” He smiled sadly.

“Is if for you parents?” his fingers traced the words gently. Gabe knew him too well. Too damn well. That well even that he didn’t have to wait for his answer, he already knew. “Wow, that’s a pretty thing to do. To remember them.” He swallowed. “I know that you miss them.”

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Sam said with a smile. “They wouldn’t really have liked it, they were almost anti tattoos, but I was sixteen, dad and mom weren’t around and Dean is pretty relaxed about the whole thing. He doesn’t really have an opinion about what I am doing.”

“I got my first when I was sixteen,” Gabriel said with a smile, “but it has nowhere near as much meaning as yours.”

“Can I see?” He was actually pretty curious about Gabriel’s tattoo, or tattoos plural, since he had said first.

“Yeah, okay.” Gabe pulled up his shirt a little, revealing sleek hipbones and the dark lines of his tattoo snaking around it, disappearing lower into his jeans. He had that little bit of a muffin top and god, it was adorable. “You’ll get to see the complete tattoo later.” Gabe was actually blushing when he said it. Blushing at the promise of something more later. “I mean. If you want to do that, you can. It’s just.”

“I look forward to it,” Sam said with a slight grin, not sure if it was actually appropriate, but who cared? They were supposed to be pretending and a little bit of innocent innuendo’s had never killed anyone.

 

They slept soundly until four am. Gabe slept on the couch, to Sam’s great dismay. He would have taken the couch any second. The bed was nice and big and comfy, Sam could have slept on the couch. He, after all, wasn’t the one that had just played a gig and was exhausted.

It was just a little awkward these days, pretending to be a couple for the whole wide world. Sam enjoyed it, enjoyed wrapping his arms around Gabe when the press was there, or flirt with him, seeing how his whole demeanor could shift after just one comment.

The thing was though, he didn’t even know if it was all just that. If it was all pretend. Hell, he didn’t want to mess this thing up, push his boundaries. Gabe always seemed to be so tense around him when there was nobody else in the room with them, always on guard. And earlier, with the tattoo, he had been reluctant to show.

Not that he didn’t get that. It was natural to be just a little bit embarrassed when showing your hips to somebody. He would be too, but just. Sam couldn’t help but wonder if he was worried that he might push Sam. That Gabe had been so uneasy because of  _him_.

The thoughts raging through his head kept him up for hours and when he eventually slept, he had the worst nightmare he’d had in ages. He had had them for ages, right after the accident they had started coming around. Each time, they were different. But there was always fire, there was always a searing heat, the feeling that maybe his flesh was being cooked.

He never knew when he started screaming and squirming. He never realized it when he did either. It was all just, vague. It passed, as they always did. Sam would probably feel bad for the rest of the day, but he could live with that, he always had to anyway.

This dream was different. This time, it was no fire, no smoke, no nothing, at least not at first. He was alone in the room, chained to the chair, but well, alone. And then the sounds started, the broken sobs and screams from a voice that was so incredibly familiar. It was Gabriel. It was Gabriel screaming and yelling, the broken sobs that formed  _his name_.

Jess walked in the room, a mischievous grin on her lips. She was yelling, yelling words at him so incredibly vile that he flinched each time she spoke.

“You are replacing me!” she yelled, throwing the ring at him. The silver band landed on his arm, the stones shining in the glow of the fire behind her. “And now you’ll  _both_ burn for it.”

And that was when the heat spread to his room, the flames licking at the sides of the wall. Sam couldn’t help it, he started screaming.

 

He awoke with a gasp, somebody roughly shaking him awake. Gabe was towering over him, hand cupping his jaw, the other one on his chest. It disoriented him at first, because why.

“You sounded like somebody was torturing you,” Gabe said, sitting back on the mattress next to him, hand still resting on his chest, “it almost looked like you were having a seizure. Really. I was this close to calling an ambulance for you!” He actually looked worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just, just a nightmare,” he muttered, letting his head fall back into the pillows. It was embarrassing. More than embarrassing even, as if he was a big baby.  Grown ass men didn’t have night terrors, nor did they scream about them. They didn’t freak people out as much as they did him. He was still shaking, he was still crying. Something he didn’t notice that he was doing until Gabe brushed away a tear. “I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“You want to talk about it?” Gabriel pulled up his legs, looking at him from his knees. “I’m not saying that I’m a shrink or anything. But sometimes, talking helps? I am willing to listen if you want to.”

“Not really,” Sam sighed, “I’m used to it. Sorry I woke you up Gabe, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay Sammish.” The smirk was back, but it certainly wasn’t his happy smirk. “That’s what boyfriends are for, isn’t it? So, are you saying no because of your pride or do you really not want to talk?”

“It won’t help. It never does.” Sam looked at his pulled up legs, fingers toying with his socks. “I have tried before, I know.”

“Neither does bottling it all up. If you do, one day, you’ll break.” Gabriel’s hand landed on Sam’s back soothingly, tracing his fingers over the spine gently. He was being gentle with him, careful not to push. Sam  _hated_ it. He wasn’t fragile damn it.

“You already know the story.” A sigh rolled over his lips. “I already told you about my parents dying in that fire. It’s what I usually dream about. Being in the fire. This time was, different. I guess.”

“What happened?”

“It was Jess and I,” he muttered, not even thinking about it before rolling into the story. “At least, after a while. I was there alone at first and then Jess appeared. Walking in with that beautiful smile on her face. You know, I could look at her sleeping or just doing something for hours without ever getting bored of that look in her eyes and the little wrinkles in the corner of her eyes. Even studying, I could just stare.” The look in Gabe’s eyes was nothing but pure sympathy now. “But in the dream, she wasn’t smiling. She was yelling at me and threw the ring at me. Yelling about me cheating on her and ignoring her, never being there for her. That all I care about is being that author that I always wanted to be and. I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Silence fell between them, neither sure of what to say. “I don’t want to go back to sleep, Gabe.”

“I know. You know who that song was about right? Earlier?” Gabe looked at him expectantly. “You did realize?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, looking everywhere but those whiskey eyes, that beautiful smile. “I know. About that, I thought you made a deal? I thought you wouldn’t use it in songs?”

“Sorry. It just came to me one night and then when the others heard, they wanted me to play. I’m sorry about that you know, not giving you a heads up, I should have done that.” He sighed. “For what it is worth, I haven’t checked the social media yet.”

“Me neither.” I don’t want to see my tears all over the internet.”

“Would you want to check it out? I bet that it will put you in a better mood. Somebody really should win the prize for most annoying or funniest caption, no?”

 

They ended up browsing pictures until five am, laughing about some captions from earlier in the concert and then, of course the load of images from that song. Sam actually loved a few of the pictures, especially the ones of Gabe during the song. He really did look sorry in the pictures, or in trance and well, gorgeous.

Not that Sam would ever say that out loud when Gabe or one of his fans was in sight. Those thoughts were kept for himself and himself only.

 _‘I’m standing next to HIM._ ’  was one of the first that they encountered that caused Sam to actually burst out laughing. ‘ _He’s even better looking in real life. ♥ They’re adorable_.’

“Your fans are crazy,” Sam said with a grin, after reading through the comments on a picture on Lucifer’s Facebook account from backstage, Gabriel and Sam hugging, tears still on his face, “and I think that I might kill your brother, just for your information.”

“Deal,” Gabe said, the same grin etched on his face. “’As long as you don’t leave any evidence. I don’t think mom would like me dating a convicted felon and the murderer of her own son. You know, principle.” He fell silent. “Pretend date, sorry.”

They both started yawning at about the same time. However, when Gabe wanted to get up, Sam pulled him back down with a slight smile, patting the place on the bed next to him.

“There’s plenty of room.” Gabe smiled as he turned to his side next to him, staring at Sam’s eyes. It didn’t even make him feel uneasy or anything. If anything, it gave him an excuse to stare back into those gorgeous eyes. A hand cupped his cheek, the other one resting on his neck, before he was pulled forward, their lips meeting in a soft and ever so kind kiss.

“Goodnight Sam,” he whispered against his lips, before turning his back and falling asleep, leaving Sam to imagine other places that those lips might trail, heart racing in his chest.

 

If either of them wanted to mention the kiss, they didn’t. It was all incredibly awkward. Awkward enough for Lucifer to catch up on that when they were about ready to leave. Sam tried not to think about the kiss all day, first taking a stroll through town with Riot and then looking out of the window instead of at Gabe on the way to the diner where the three of them had decided to meet for breakfast.

Lucifer politely offered things to talk about, sensing the awkwardness between the two of them. And Sam was actually pretty thankful for that. What he would be more thankful for though, was to be back home and catch back up on his work. In the past couple of weeks, he had to pass on a few chapters that were actually due a long, long time ago.

“So, Sam,” Lucifer asked somewhere between pancakes and coffee, “what do you do? We never asked and you always seem to bet here anyway, so, what do you do?”

“I write,” he said, slight smile. “I work for PressWeekly.” Gabriel almost choked on his beer.

“You work for the company that has been asking to know your name and all about you for weeks now? Are you serious?” The look on Gabe’s face was more than comical. Heck, if it was anything. "And you never thought, hey, let's tell my boyfriend that." Gabe flustered at the word boyfriend. All of a sudden, the pepper and salt shakers really were interesting.

“Yeah,” he said with a grin, “they even called me, you know, the weekend or something after that piece aired, ‘hey, could you get onto the story?’ I politely refused, obviously. They didn’t mind, not that much. As long as I cover your tour, things should be okay. Sorry I didn't say, I think that you'd want to know. You never asked about what I do, you know." He smiled at him apologetically. “You should have asked.”

"So we can expect a good review?" Lucifer asked with a grin on his face, "You know. If you're fucking my brother, you might as well be positive about us." This time it was Sam that almost chocked on his coffee. "You should see your faces. Calm down. No, but you know. It would be good if we got some good reviews."

"Sure. It's not like there's actually bad things that I can write about. You had a great concert last night. Your publicist has somebody take pictures of every concert right? Do you think that I could get my hands on a few to include in the article?"

"Sure, I'll tell her to send them your way."

 

The drive back home was more than awkward. Gabriel was quiet, looking over his shoulder at Riot sleeping in the backseat while Sam drove. He didn’t know whether it had been his reaction to the kiss earlier or something else that had Gabe be like this, but well, he didn’t really mind anymore. It had felt good, right.

And if that hadn’t been his imagination, it had felt right to Gabriel too. He had been sprawled across Sam’s chest like an octopus when he woke up and Sam didn’t even mind. Not enough for him to say something about it.

He had wanted to talk to Gabe about what had happened, tell him what he thought, but he couldn’t. The second he woke up, he took a shower and was out of the room before saying anything more than ‘good morning’ and ‘I’m going to take a walk’.

 


	5. Chapter four

 

 

_All along,_ _I thought something would go wrong_

_Didn't you?_

_Walls were up_

_We never pushed our luck, like we wanted to_

_Every time I loose myself I find_

_I'm left alone but you need to know_

 

_For you I'd break these walls_

_I'd choose to fall_

_I'm going to cross that line for you_

**JOSHUA RADIN; CROSS THAT LINE**

 

Gabriel seemed out of it for a whole week. Even at the next show, he didn’t seem as deeply into the songs and even blatantly refused to play ‘We might be dead by tomorrow’ even though the crowd asked for it. Sam still wrote the post that he was supposed to about their gig, but even he couldn’t be as cheerful about it.

His editor even called him, asking if something was up. He couldn’t exactly say that there was indeed something up. That was the whole idea of keeping his identity secret and well, their pretend relationship too.

“Everything is fine,” he told her sighing, before getting up to answer the doorbell. Thank god for speakerphone. Gabriel would come over for the night, so they could have some new pictures and well, because Sam was getting kind of worried. “Hold on a second – come on in, I’ll wrap this up in a second. I’m back. Why?”

“The tone of your e-mail,” Charlie said, “Sam, you were on the verge of too enthusiastic last time and now you’re the pessimistic, Gabriel Novak should have done A or B. What is up with that?”

“I’m just not in a mood to write,” he sighed, plopping down on the couch next to Gabriel. He tried not to flinch as Gabe inched away from him just a little. “If you want me to rewrite the piece than just say so.”

“I don’t. Just, try to be more positive about them next time, okay? Good point on the refusing to sing the song part though. I’ll pass your post to Kevin. He’s on the Secret Man and he’d love to know things like that. Also, before you go. I need your new chapter in two weeks. I swear to god Sam Winchester, I will hack into your computer and steal the file myself.”

“Okay, Charlie. I’ll get you the chapter, don’t fret about that. I’ll try.” Sam ignored that he still had to send her the previous still unfinished chapter as well. “But right now I’ve got a guest and.”

“And you need to send me your previous chapter.” He pretended she didn’t sound mad when saying it. Or that Gabriel wasn’t looking at him with a broad smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, but like I said, I got a guest Charlie. I got to go.”

“Okay then, but don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you. I expect your email by the end of the week, otherwise, it didn’t happen.” Sam hung up the phone with a sigh, before turning back to Gabriel.

“Sorry about that. It was my editor, IT goddess and amazingly annoying publicist, Charlie Bradbury.”

“I like her,” he grinned. “You should keep her. Are we taking up all your writer-y time Sammy?”

“Actually, you are,” Sam said, suppressing a grin, “coffee?” Over the past couple of weeks, Sam had learned that he liked his coffee with milk and two scoops of sugar, three if he could sneak in another one. Gabe was almost addicted to coffee, but didn't drink too much. Or at least, that what he liked to tell Sam. He was smarter than that, knew that the little trickster had a coffee addiction.

Not that Sam could actually say something about it, considering the amount of coffee that he too drank. Books didn't write themselves though, and he did write best at night. On good days, he could finish a chapter or something a day, bad days, not even a few words. He knew that it annoyed Charlie no end, but hey, he was an author, he could take liberties like that.

“I’m distracting?” he added, grinning. “Really now?”

“Yes, shut up.” The grin spread across his face without Sam even noticing at first. “So, how about I start dinner for the two of us? Is lasagna okay? I can make something else if you want something else.”

“Home made or store bought?”

“Home made,” he promised with a grin. “Do you want to help? It's not that hard. It'll be fun.” Gabe looked ever so doubtful. “Oh come on Gabe. Please?”

“Stop it with those puppy eyes.”

“What, you can’t stand them?” Sam teased, turning his head just a little. “Can’t stand me teasing you with them?”

“Nope,” Gabriel said with a grin. “You know, if you don’t pull those anymore, you may, maybe see the rest of my tattoo. How about that huh?”

“No more puppy eyes and I get to see your tattoos? That sounds unfair. You’ve already seen all of mine. I can hardly use them as leverage.” Just the single thought of that night made his cheeks turn scarlet. “Nope, unfair. You’ll need to pick something else.”

“Really now?” Gabe was grinning again. “I guess that you can’t get to see my tattoos then. Fair trade.”

“I hate you,” he groaned before turning to the kitchen, “but you will help me right? I don’t like cooking on my own. Makes me feel lonely. Especially when Riots sleeping in his basket.”

“Sure thing kiddo.”

 

Cooking with Gabe proved to be quite the show. It took them about fifteen minutes before there was tomato all over both of them - an unfortunate incident with the can opener - and they really should take a shower. But since they were baking muffins for dessert, they might as well wait. That was at least what they had decided.

It took them about a half an hour to three quarters of an hour, but they eventually successfully managed to get the lasagna in the oven, the batter for the muffins ready in a bowl and the two of them caked in batter.

“You have some batter on your face,” Sam laughed as Gabe tried to find the spot, missing it each time. “Come on Gabe, it is not there, a little lower. I’ll help.” He reached out his hand wiping the batter away from his stubble. “You really should shave by the way.”

“Yes mom. You didn’t get a free pass to complain about Gabriel Novak’s looks you know. If you think you did, that’s a mistake. I must have written your address on mom’s.”

“I didn’t, doesn’t mean I can’t. Somebody should, because your brothers surely won’t do that. I know them too damn well. Anyway, go ahead and take a shower, I’ll take one later.”

“Thanks Sammy. Is there anything in here that a non-Sasquatch can fit in to?” He pointed at the flour, batter and tomato stained clothing. “I mean, it would come in handy to have something else to change into until my clothes are washed.”

“Sure, I’ll put something out for you.” The thought of Gabe wearing his clothes totally did not make him all warm inside and even if it did, he would not admit to that.

 

He took a shower after Gabriel did, glad that the other man hadn’t used up all the warm water. It felt good to relax once in a while. God, if he was writing his own life story, damn, there would be a lot of chick flick moments in this chapter. A hell of a lot.

Sam couldn’t help it if he was maybe falling for the guy, even though he shouldn’t be. They were only pretending to be together for the press, eventually, they would pretend to have a breakup and Sam would cease to exist in the eyes of the press.

After all, he didn’t deserve Gabriel. Not at all. Gabriel was gorgeous, he was funny and witty and smart, he had accomplished things. He? He hadn’t. He barely made enough to pay off his rent, let alone the bills. If he didn’t start working harder or get that novel on the shelves, he probably wouldn’t even be able to pay the rent any more.

He never talked about it in front of Gabriel because, well, because he didn’t want to impose. Gabe had enough on his bank account and that made him just that little bit uncomfortable. If he would mention it to Gabe, he didn’t know what Gabriel would do. If he would offer to help or not. He wouldn’t know how to answer either.  Sam could hardly accept that.

He had just stepped out of the shower when Gabe knocked on the door. “Hey, uh, Sammy, Charlie's calling you?”

“Come on in,” he muttered, after wrapping a towel around his waist. “Give me the phone.”

“Yeah, uh, sure.” Gabriel was actually blushing when he walked in, looking everywhere except him, the floor the ceiling.

“Dude, it's okay,” Sam laughed. “Really, just give me the phone. You don't have to look everywhere but at me, I'm not that shy you know.” And God, did he really just say that. “Uh, sorry. Just give me the phone.” He would kill Charlie when he had the chance to do that.

“Sam Winchester, you sneaky bastard.” Charlie was half laughing at her end of the conversation.

“Charlie, I cannot deal with you. I was taking a shower for a second,” he sighed, “what did you want?”

“You mean except for your new chapter? I just called to let you know that your reworked version of the last chap you send me is in your inbox. And to see who the mystery guest was. We've worked together for years, you know my wife. Come on man. You could have at least told me that you had a boyfriend, or are gay or pan or whatever.”

“We're not -” Sam sighed. “Yes, I should have told you, I am sorry.” Sam didn't even know why he was playing along if they weren't quite ready to inform the big masses of his identity yet. “I'm sorry. And I should have told you. I just didn't think it was that important.”

“That's okay. You go have your sexy, hot date and we will talk again, tomorrow. I need details.”

“Bye Charlie.” He hung up the phone before quickly getting dressed. His hair was still dripping slightly when he stepped out of the bathroom. It would never dry properly anyway. Seeing Gabe wear his clothes made him feel oddly proud.

“Uh, sorry about that,” he muttered, blushing. “I told Charlie that we are together, but she doesn't know your name. I just figured that, you know, since we are pretending for the media, I might as well pretend that we are together for everyone.”

“Oh, okay.” Gabe still looked a little shaken. “That's good.”

“I have to call her back later, you know, with details. Girls are that way.” He scratched his neck absently. “I won't mention your name, that'd be safest, but I am warning you, she'll be one of the first to figure everything out. She's an IT wiz.”

 

Food being ready saved them from having the most awkward conversation in forever. Sam was more than ready for some silence. They talked about how the lasagna was actually delicious – Gabe even took a second piece when Sam was already filled to the brim – and put in the muffins.

“Hey, uh, I want to talk about something with you,” Sam muttered after finishing the dishes. “I really hope that I don't offend you or anything.”

“Shoot.”

“Well.” Here goes nothing. “The thing is that I have a pretty low income right now. I can hardly afford this place anymore because I am not publishing any books and barely write articles for the paper. Are you okay with me spending a little less time with you? Just until I get a few chapters out and get paid. This place is all I have and I really cannot afford losing it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, uh, it's kind of awkward talking about this, since you're not actually my boyfriend.” He cringed at the careless use of the word, “but I thought you should know. I can still be with you for the media, but outside of media, I might not be able to make it to all concerts because I don't have the money to do so right now.” He felt embarrassed just thinking about it. “I know, it’s not really an excuse, but I really got to focus on my work right now. I put so much money aside so I could put Dean in rehab that I barely have anything left at the moment.”

“So, hypothetically, you would be better off not paying rent?” Gabriel asked, a slight smile on his lips. “Purely hypothetical.”

“Yeah, kind of, but I don’ think my landlord would really be up for that.”

“Yeah, I know. But still hypothetical, and if you didn’t have a landlord or if you didn’t have electricity bills or water bills?”

“Yeah, where are you going with this?”

“Well,” Gabe sighed, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt, “I was thinking, since we’re supposed to be together anyway and you are a little tight on budget, we might be able to room together. I could check facts for you, you work from my house. If you really feel bad about it, we could split bills or something. What do you think?”

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” Sam couldn’t help the smile from spreading over his lips. “We go great lengths for our pretend relationship, don’t we?”

“Kind of,” Gabe shrugged, “and if any of my other friends would be in trouble financially, I would ask too, I mean. If there is anything I can do to help.”

“Thank you Gabe,” he said with a smile on his lips. He actually had to calm himself down, tell him that it wasn’t like moving in romantically. “I’ll sleep on the couch or something. And help out.”

“That’s a deal then.”

 

They watched the television until two am, until neither of them were even paying attention any more. They were both simply too sleepy, wanting to go to bed but not being the first one to crawl under the covers. It was an arranged deal of theirs, the one that goes to sleep first gets the bed, the other one crashes on the couch.

It had, however, resulted in neither of them wanting to go to sleep because the other one deserved the bed. Talking about counterproductive. Both of them were fighting sleep. Sam had actually dozed off a few times, each time he had found his head resting on Gabriel's shoulder. It wasn't his intention, but he did it anyway. Gabe didn't seem to mind, thank god.

"This is ridiculous," Gabe muttered, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and turning off the television. "We are two grown men, we can share a bed. It's not we haven't done this before. If I take the bed, I'll feel guilty and I know that you would be too."

"Okay," Sam muttered, crawling under the covers at his side of the bed. "Sorry if I wake you up or anything, like last time." What he didn't say, was that he always slept better when Gabriel was there to sleep with him, how the nightmares about fire always stayed away when he was there with him, how somehow, he made it all better.

Instead, he turned his back to where Gabriel was laying, turned out the lights and muttered a quick goodnight.

 

The next morning came around way too early to Sam's liking. Gabe was sprawled out across the bed like an octopus, arms around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. He looked peaceful when he was still asleep, more like the Gabriel that wasn't on stage.

Right now, he wasn't trying to be cool, they weren't playing pretend. All he was doing was watching somebody sleep, like the creeper he probably was. Like he could help that Gabriel was gorgeous when he slept.

He took a picture of it, savoring the moment. He wouldn't post it online though, it was one for this private collection. Every picture that was too good to be posted online, a sweet moment between the two of them, an moment in which Gabe was drifted off enough for Sam to take a picture of him, moments that he wanted to keep and remember.

Remember, because they felt real. For once, it didn't feel like he was putting on a show. Like they were both pretending to be something more than they were, as they always did when appearing outside together.

"Good morning sleepyhead," he muttered, not even bothering to hide the affectionate smile on his lips. "You slept in for a change."

"Yeah. I know. Quite the shock, isn’t it?" Even sleepy, he looked as smug as he always was. “Actually, it is.”

"We don't even have to get up today though," Sam said, shrugging, "or well, get dressed for that matter. Riot is perfectly fine with PJ's."

"Yeah, Riot doesn't have a television interview in ten hours. Gabriel does," he said with a slight smile on his lips. Gabe untangled himself from Sam, blushing all the while. He was really starting to doubt whether the blushing would become a problem with the two of them or not. "Even though I'd like the public to think that I am as casual as ever, I need to be presentable, ish."

"Five pm is a long way from now. Want me to fix us breakfast while you go get ready? The bathroom's at your disposal.”

"Actually, I was thinking of moving some of your stuff in today, if you want that?" And there was that blush again, that really shouldn't be that attractive on Gabe. "I mean. If you're still up for our plan."

"It'll be fun to see them realize that we have the same backgrounds in our pictures. I wonder how long it will take them to notice.”

"Yeah, it will. So you’re still cool with it? Great. So, still on for our plan, you make breakfast I go take a shower?”

“Go ahead, breakfast will be served by the time that you get out of the shower. And leave some warm water for me!”

“I’ll try Sammy,” Gabriel smirked, before falling silent. “You know, you can always chase me out of the shower if you think that I take too long, which I know I do. Trust me, you haven’t heard my brothers complain about my time in the shower. It’s like they are in a horror movie or something and they are the ones left behind in the group. It’s almost adorable.”

“Yeah uh, we’ll see.” He totally wasn’t blushing. They totally weren’t both blushing. “You go shower.”

 

God, he was glad that Gabriel was out of the room. Sometimes, with him there, it was easy to forget that they weren't actually together, that they were pretending for the press. It was so easy to imagine that playful kiss or pulling him in his arms, or well, more. Instead, he focused on making breakfast, deciding to post the picture of Gabe anyway. Even though it was one of his favorites and he always kept those private.

 _Look at this goofball. Asleep like a little kitten. Adorable kitten might I add._ He put it online with a smile, before turning back to the skillet where the eggs were cooking. Gabriel would bitch about that picture so damn much, but well, it wasn't like Gabe hadn't put a picture of him online before. He still had to get his payback for that one picture of Sam that he had posted asleep on the couch with Ben in his arms.

Usually, he didn’t mind that he had posted it, but he looked horrible on it. It had been a long, long night with Ben waking up to cry every quarter. It was why Gabriel had been there in the first place, because he didn’t feel like he could get a hang of it and, well, because Gabe always seemed to know what to do. Even when the topic was babies.

He remembered calling Gabriel at two am almost crying because Ben wouldn’t go to sleep, he was dead tired and nothing was okay. The day and night before had been rough, the loss of everybody around him hitting him harder than before. Especially after speaking with Dean, who was facing a rough time.

Gabriel had come over and saved the day.

 

Food was ready when Gabriel came out of the bathroom, his hair still dripping from the shower. He really should notice that his button up was buttoned up wrongly.

“Sam Winchester. You sneaky bastard.” He was smiling though. “Don’t you ever listen to me?”

“You don’t either. And besides, it’s a good picture of you, you adorable guitarist.” Everything was less awkward now it seemed, and Sam couldn’t help being happy about that. “People are loving it.”

“You are aware by posting a picture of your own half naked torso, you have pretty much admitted to being in a relationship with me, right?”

“Didn’t I already do so yesterday when talking to Charlie? I don’t mind. Doesn’t mean that I should call Lisa to tell her so that she can tell Dean before the gossip reaches her, but. Well.” He smiled as he signed ‘I don’t care’.  Sam had been teaching himself some more sign language, that for the sole reason that he loved the way that Gabriel’s eyes lit up every time that he did it. Almost as if he was proud of him, which probably wasn’t the case, but he could dream, right?

“You’ve been teaching yourself again,” he said with a grin, “soon enough, you won’t need me to be your tutor anymore.”

“Nope, I still need you. I don’t want to be signing the wrong thing when talking to your mother. That would be, well, awkward.”

“Agreed,” Gabe added, “though I look forward to seeing her reaction to you signing though. She’ll be so happy.”

“Now, eat or your food will go cold,” he said with a grin, pointing at the food on the table. “Also, now I've officially sealed my boyfriend status online, your buttons are done up wrong.”

“Yes mom,” Gabe grinned, before falling down on his chair. “I'll redo them in a second. That reminds me, Sammy, do you want to join us for the interview later? You could just hang out in the public with Gina, Tom and Sara. They won’t bite. They asked us all to bring somebody, don’t ask me why. So I thought, well.” He was actually blushing.

“Uh, sure.” Sam wasn’t all that sure if he was actually cool with it. “I mean, if you are sure about being all couple-y in public, sure. Get up.” Sam sighed as he crouched down and redid the buttons. He totally wasn't blushing. Not at all. If anything, Gabriel was as red in the face as he was, which was a consolation. “Good, because I couldn't stand them anymore.”

 

They started packing up some of his stuff, before realizing that it was pretty much hopeless. He owned too much stuff that hadn't even been unpacked in the first place. Even some of the plates and dishes were still boxes. Sam had never planned on staying in the apartment that long, he would get a steady job and he would be able to afford something better.

That had been the plan at least, that he had only realized was flawed a year in. And after that, it hadn't seemed like it was even worth making the place cozy. It wouldn't help either. The place was a dump, with a shower that only worked decently half of the time and poor heating – he was actually surprised that Gabe hadn't complained about that yet – that wouldn't look better with a poster or something on the wall.

All he needed was his laptop, coffee and a blanket anyway.

 

Being in the crowd was just a little bit weird. Even if they weren’t in the crowd just yet. All four of them had been put in the lobby, where the guys would too hang out until the show was ready to roll. The others were just a little bit awkward, though Sam was sure that it would change once that they were touring later.

“So, Sam,” Gina asked with a grin on her lips. She was bouncing one of the twins on one of her knees, the kid giggling happily. The other twin was sitting on Sara’s lap, half asleep. Gina’s parents would wait in the lobby with them during the show. “Gabe has been spending quite some time with you. You sure there isn’t anything between you two?” Sam was kind of taken aback by the question.  Gabriel had told them about the fact that they were just pretending, right?

“Oh, don’t look so panicked,” Tom said, smile on his lips. “Gabe told us, we were just thinking, because you have been spending a lot of hours even outside of social media time with him, there may be something more. So?”

“If I haven’t been lying to you,” Gabe said with a grin, sneaking up behind him, snaking his arms around Sam's waist.  If Sam hadn't been half panicked, he wouldn't have heard him creep up on the four of them. “The others are coming in a second. Now, excuse me while I whisk away my boyfriend for a second.”

 

Sam allowed himself to be pulled away from the others, half dazed. What the hell was Gabriel thinking? They stopped right outside of hearing range of the others, Gabe leaning against the wall.

“What the hell Gabe?”

“Sorry about that, but one of those idiots talked loud enough for the interviewer to hear.” He was practically panicking. “I may or may not have said that we are actually dating. Please don’t be mad.” He looked half panicked. “Please don’t. I swear to god. If they would find out and ask questions, all of this would be ruined.”

“Thanks for the heads up.” There was a short, almost awkward pause. “Boyfriend.” A grin lay on Sam’s lips. “So, we’re on twenty-four/seven boyfriend duty, are we now? Thanks for telling me before the interview because I swear to god. If that camera had paned to me during the show, they would get the look of the lifetime out of me.” He smiled at Gabriel. “Okay, fine. It is going to be awkward when you are on tour, but I don’t mind.”

“Okay, thank you Sammy.” Gabe sighed, “You may be my savior here.”

“Yeah yeah,” Sam laughed, before following Gabriel back inside. “But, I would have liked to know before.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he muttered, “I panicked.”

 

The show started a little over an hour later. The four of them were seated on the front row, right in front of the guys. The looks that Sam was getting from them were  _annoying,_  capital letter A annoying, but he ignored them. Knowing them, it would get worse later and he  _really_ didn't want that to happen.

The interview itself own was pretty decent and even started out pretty innocent. They talked about the new album that they were launching, the tour. Not that Sam really listened. Gabriel was kind of a distraction, a  _big_ distraction.

Sam loved seeing the way that his eyes lit up every time they spoke about the band and songs, about their upcoming tour. It was so easy to see how much Gabriel loved being on the road, playing music. How it was his passion. If there was one thing that Sam wanted, was to see Gabe happy.  _This_ made him happy.

He didn't know how he would ever fit into the whole lifestyle. One day, they would have to pretend to have broken up with each other, so that they could both move on with their lives. Gabe had told him as much, that whenever he found somebody, he should tell him. Gabe would leak the news that they weren't together.

Sam didn't think that he could give this up either. He too loved being on the road with Gabe, the diversity of it all. It offered great inspiration for his books too. Ever since they had started hanging out, Sam had started drafting a new manuscript that not even Charlie knew about. Not yet.

“Yeah,” Gabriel said with a smile on his lips as an answer to a question that Sam hadn't even heard, “I love the new track list for the album. Even the song that we put in last minute as a bonus number. It really brings everything together.”

“Glad you brought that up,” the interviewer said, “last time you played that song, it caused quite the stir in the crowd.” The pictures in the background told where they were going with the question. Sam had seen them before, but hell, he looked even worse when they were shown on big screen. Gabe looked at him, asking him for permission by just the look in his eyes. Sam just nodded. “Who is our handsome man? Is this the mysterious Sammish?”

“Sam,” he corrected automatically, the smile on his lips widening, “and to answer the question, yes that is Sam. He wasn't even supposed to be in the crowd that day though. So imagine the surprise when he is standing right in front of me, actually crying about  _his_ song. It was quite unreal.”

“So the song was written for him?”

“Of course it was. For who else? I only know one person who is strong enough to live through all of that. I only know of one person of who I am as proud as him.” There was a short silence, in which of course, the camera panned to him. “Not that I am not proud of other people in my life, of course I am. But I won't write a song for them because they don't deserve it.  _He_ deserves it more than most. He's gone through stuff in his life that I can't imagine happening to  _anybody_  and all he's doing is using it to describe sadness in his book, which he is doing pretty awesome.  That is all.” He was silent for a little while. “I mean, he could have become such a bitter, melancholic person and here he is, the strongest and most wonderful person that I have met in  _ages_.”

“That sure does sound like he means a lot to you. Is that all there is? Are you two just best friends like you said before?” The eye of the public around them turned to Sam in the front row.  _Of course he was blushing._

“That's – no. We're not.” He sighed as he said it, “Haven’t been for a little while in fact.” There was a short, tense silence. “But I guess that the little idiot and I are done pretending to be less than we are. We have been for a week or three. The guys just found out too.”

“Not that we didn't know,” Cas snorted. “It is not like they were that secretive about it. The amount of times that they sat together, even just tuning a guitar. Jesus.” He laughed. “For a minute, we thought that we would have to pry them apart or something  _and_ his reviews about our shows were maybe a little  _too_ positive all of a sudden.”

“They are incredibly adorable,” Lucifer added with a smirk, “but for the love of god, never take an hotel room in the immediate vacinity of them. They are almost like an old married couple, they don't ever sleep. They  _talk_.” He was silent for a little while before adding, “I really do not need to know about what people on Instagram are saying about them. Or have one of them screaming.” The smirk widened and Sam, for about the billionth time that interview, blushed.

 

The rest of the interview passed by in a half haze. Sam mainly stared and listened. Not that they actually had much reason to be there it seemed. They asked questions and eventually had the public ask some questions too. There was a short group picture of everybody, before they were allowed to leave.

Sam headed for Gabriel when he was allowed to, smiling slightly, like a boyfriend really should. Gabe pulled him closer, arms wrapping around his waist.

“I swear Gabe, if your brothers make me blush in public more often, I  _might_  have to kill them.”

“Knock yourself out,” he said, smiling too, “I don't even mind. Do you want to stop for something to eat first or do you want to go back?”

“Go back. I don't want to leave Riot alone.”         

 

The silence in the car was a little tense, but that was all of it, it wasn't even unpleasant or awkward.  Gabe parked the car in front of Sam's apartment a little before four pm, giving them enough time to load up his boxes and drive over to Gabriel's. Riot wouldn't mind that much and well, it was time. They didn't even have to bring all of his stuff now. His contract ended in two weeks. They could come pick up the stuff that Sam really wanted to take the following day, after calling his precious brothers-in-law to help the two of them.

Sam was more than ready to be out of his house, to be out of the mess and the confined space. The house may have it's charm, but that was all. He wasn't connected to the house, it was just a place where he stayed because he had no other option.

“You know, I can give you an office to work in if you want?” Gabriel said while carrying his boxes inside. “Would it help you write?”

“That would be great,” Sam said with a grin on his face, “if you are okay with that though. I don't want to take up too much space.” And that last part shouldn't have been spoken out loud, but, oh well. It wasn't that bad that he said it out loud. It was after all the truth. He was already imposing by staying there.

“Kiddo. You can hardly take up too much space. And your writing is your source of income. And I already cleared a room for you last week.”

“How long have you been meaning to ask me?” Sam was more than mildly curious now.

“A little while.” Gabe put the box that he was holding down on the kitchen counter. “I kind of knew you weren't really big on money.” He seemed to want to add something, but didn't. “I saw you cutting out coupons and the rehab center that your brother is in can't be cheap. I wanted to help.”

“That's, sweet,” Sam sighed, “thank you.”

 

Gabe already had a desk in there so that Sam only had to connect is computer and he was good to go. He lingered in the door for a little while, before saying that he was going to go ahead and get his guitars tuned. Sam started writing the second that his computer had booted up. First an article for  _PressWeekly_  and after that, he actually managed to finish the chapter that Charlie had been nagging him about.

After writing, he got is much deserved internet time, only to stumble on an article about the two of them written by Kevin.

“Hey, Gabe?” he yelled from his room, “could you come here for a second? You should listen to this.” The second that Gabriel plopped down on the couch in the corner of the room, he started reading. “Rumor confirmed! _,_ ” he started, “ _by_ Kevin Tran.”

“They sure are fast,” Gabe sighed, before nodding that he should continue.

“Our mystery man has been revealed. Gabriel Novak, lead guitarist for  _the Three Fallen Archangels_  confessed to being in a relationship with the mystery man we've been seeing all over his social media,” he continued, eyes scanning the article further. “Suspicion started rising after a picture appeared on 'Sam's' Instagram account of Gabriel sleeping on his chest (scroll down for photo) and later today, the guitarist confessed the fact that they are in a relationship. Not only is he in a relationship, we also got new information on 'Sam'. More later, when we try to figure out more about our mystery man.”

“Seriously, you should have a talk with Kevin,” Gabe said, smiling slightly. “You should probably check your phone.” It had notifications from Gabe, all pictures in which he was tagged. Sam just shrugged, not able to hide the smile.

“You had to pay me back, didn't you?” he sighed. “Okay then. You know that I have about ten million pictures that I can post, right?”

“Click them open Sammish.” Gabriel wasn't exactly annoyed, no, it was something else. “Read the comments. People are being oddly,  _adorable_ about us being together.”

“Are we?” He noticed belatedly as if it sounded like he was asking if they were together. His cheeks colored red faster than he thought humanly possible. “Adorable, I mean.”

“Maybe.” There was a smirk on his lips. “Maybe we are Sammish.”

 

The days passed by in a haze. Being around Gabriel was so easy now. They slept in the same bed and each night, Gabriel would use him as a pillow for at least an hour before reclaiming his real pillow. Living with Gabe wasn't always that easy, like trying to hide a raging hard-on in baggy sweatpants after waking up with all of him pressed up against Sam.

Usually, it just went away, at least, it had always the case before. He didn't always have to sneak off to the bathroom and pretend to take a shower so that Gabriel wouldn't figure out that  _yes_ Sam was jerking off in the shower with Gabriel on his mind. Lately though, it just wouldn't. Sam was glad that Gabe hadn't noticed anything or well, at least, said anything about it but God, it would be awkward if he did.

The sexual tension aside, it was a great agreement. When Sam came back from his occasional run in the mornings, there was a cup of coffee ready for him when he got back, sometimes even breakfast. Gabriel would pop in when he was writing to see if he still had food and something to drink every few hours, claiming to keep him hydrated and caring for him.

He returned the favor by keeping the house clean and checking in on him every hour or something when he was playing the guitar. When the band was over to practice, Sam would pop in with drinks for everybody or something to eat. They would act like a couple, but even kissing seemed to be just a little far with the others around. Sam suspected that I was because of what had happened last time and how awkward it had been.

 

Sam still joined them on their tour, as he had promised Gabe months prior. It took a few concerts for him to feel comfortable around the others, because really, he did  _not_ need to see them during breakfast and hear them joke about too inappropriate stuff.

He loved how Gabriel smiled when he saw Sam talk to Gina or Tom. They played their fifth show in Kansas. It was around five am when they finally finished and Sam was exhausted, but he still walked out with Gabe, so he could be all enthusiastic. Gabe always needed to walk around a bit to get rid of the excess energy. Otherwise, he'd be too wound up to sleep. Sam had realized that their first concert.

And it wasn’t like he minded it that much. Gabriel’s exciting babbling kept him up.

Sam hadn’t seen the car coming. The parking lot they had decided to wander off to was dark and the two of them still coming down from the high of preforming. He hadn’t even noticed the car until Gabe yelled and he felt the nose of the car hit him, sending him toppling over the hood and onto the ground.

He didn't notice Gabriel crouching next to him, holding him down on the hard concrete.  _Everything hurt_  as if they were pressing needles in his skin, ripping his skin to shreds. His knee was searing with pain. Darkness called out to him, as if it wanted to say that he could come if he wanted. And that was all he wanted, fall into oblivion.

"Can I have permission to slap him?" Gabriel’s fists were clenched at his sides, fingers surely digging in his skin. “Can I fucking slap him across the ugly ass face? Are you okay? Please tell me you are okay.” He was fussing over him like a mother hen. “You don’t. You shouldn’t move. Sam. No, stop it.”

“I’m, I’m okay.” Sam, stoop up even though he was shaking on his legs, the world around him swaying ever so slightly. He probably shouldn’t have gotten up, but he could feel his legs, so well, he had guessed that it was okay. Judging from the pains hooting through his knees, his hip, everywhere. His mind was too numb to believe what just happened. “I’m, really.”

“Oh fuck.” Gabriel’s voice was no more than a whisper, “you are bleeding. Sit down, I’ll get you help. If I ever see that scumbag again, it will be his last day. He could have killed you. He just hit you with that car. He drove off! That ass.”

“I said I’m fine,” he tried, but was pushed down on the hard parking lot anyway, Gabriel crouching down next to him. “Gabe.” He was rapidly losing blood, he knew that. The wound across his arm was deep, the one by his knee even deeper. The other band members hadn’t been there when the car came around the corner, it had only been him and Gabe. Thank god, he really couldn’t handle their worry alongside Gabe’s. “Gabe.”

“I could kill that guy!” Gabe raged on, still fussing around him. “How could he just drive off like that? You.”

“It’s okay.” He really tried not to flinch as he changed position, sitting down so he didn’t lean that much on his bad leg. “It’s okay. Just, could you get me inside?” The world spun around him as he leaned on Gabe, maybe a little too hard. He knew Gabe noticed how painful his leg actually was. By now, the blood was trickling down in a steady pace, leaving a trail. “I think, I think I need to go lie down or something.”

“You’re a sheet Sam.” He was panicked, “I’m going to get Luce, you sit down. I’ll be right back. Hold on.” The world was getting dark around the edges, fuzzy.  He barely noticed that people were walking around him, that the whole band was there. Or that Gabriel was slapping his face, trying to get him to wake up again.

“Sam, Sam, Sam.” All he could hear were the words. “Sammy. Sammy!” He came around again, to pain, pain everywhere, every fucking where.  “Stay with us kiddo.”

“Gabe, call an ambulance. NOW.”

 


	6. Chapter five

_I'm gonna break down these walls I built around myself._

_I wanna fall so in love with you, and no one else,_

_Could ever mean half as much, to me as you do now._

_Let the walls break down._

**Walls; All Time Low**

 

When Sam opened his eyes again, he was in the hospital. The world still had that fussy quality to it, but it was at least a little bit better than the pain had been, then the memory of lying on the ground and thinking  _‘oh god, I’m screwed_ ’. The pain was still there, but it was numb, hidden in the back of his mind.

On a more pressing matter, something uncomfortable was stinging his nose, he felt like he was a robot that needed to be connected to all those wires, because god, really? Was there another machine that they could drag in the room with him? Because he wasn’t sure if there was still room on his body to hook them up.

And there was a hand in his, fingers threaded to his – luckily not the one with the IV. He could feel the soft ticking of hair on his arm too. Gabriel lay asleep in the seat next to the bed, his hand clasped in his and his head on the mattress, snoring slightly.

Sam could hardly keep the tight smile from his lips. Gabriel had stayed with him. Somebody had actually cared enough for him to stay.

“Sam?” he whispered when he noticed that he was awake, smiling faintly. “Sam, are you awake again? You remember, right? I don’t need to remind you?” He was confused at the nervous look in Gabe’s eyes. “You know who I am, don’t you?”

“Yeah, you’re Gabriel.” Speaking hurt, hurt a damn lot. It felt as if he hadn’t drank anything for ages. Not that it stopped him from speaking, he had too many questions to ask. “How long?”

“Were you out? Three days.” This took him by surprise. The darkness from before had been pleasant, but it could never have been that long. He was sure of it. “God, I was so scared Sam.” The sincerity in his voice hurt. “Are you okay? Do you need more morphine? The doc said to call them. I will call them. Hold on a second.” Gabe was about to get up and get the nurse when Sam caught his arm.

“Thank you,” he muttered, still out of it from the drugs they had given him. They were working like a charm, thank god. He was still in pain, but it was numb, at the back of his mind.

 

Nurses were officially  _evil._  Even the things that Oliver – the main character in his current work in progress - saw in his books, they didn’t compare to  _that_ , not at all. He was prodded, probed and, ready to be served to aliens now. The nurse had checked his bandages to see that there was no new blood – which there was – and checked if he didn’t have a fever – which he, also, had. Thankfully for him, the fever wasn’t too bad.

Then of course, the doc had to check him over, listen to his heart, ask him how he was feeling over and over again, until Sam was more than ready to just have it over with. He wanted Gabriel back in the room, at least he was pleasant company. At least Gabriel didn’t hurt him.

"Thank god you're okay," Gabe muttered after he was allowed back in after what seemed like forever. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Wait, you are okay right? Not lying to the doctors? Or me? Because if you are Sammy.”

“Sorry,” he sighed, reaching out to take Gabriel’s hand again as if on instinct, “I’m not lying, pinky promise.” It was all he could say. It hadn’t been his intention to worry him. Not that he had wanted to be a zombie for practically three days either or get hit by a car for that matter, but worrying him made him feel worse than those to  _combined_. “I’m sorry.”

“Don't be,” Gabe sighed, “just, don't do it again, okay? I don't think that my heart can handle seeing that again.”

“I'll try.” Sam groaned as a sudden flare of pain shot his way up through his knee. He bit his lip to stop the pain, biting hard enough to taste blood in his mouth. “Gabe, earlier, you said remember? Didn't I before?”

“No,” Gabriel said, “you actually thought I was a nurse.” He snickered. “Doc said that it was because of the morphine they've been pumping into you.” Gabriel was silent for a little while. “And later, you told the doctor that you had the best husband in the world when you woke up and the mandatory, ‘he’s an angel you know’ thing. I was asleep in the hallway, so I didn’t hear, but the doc told me afterwards. Thanks for the complement bud.”

“You’re not kidding, are you?”

“Nope.” Gabriel was smiling about as wide as he could no, actually flashing some teeth. “So, thank you for the vote of confidence, hubby. Thing is, the guys were there when you said it, so I’d be careful with your wording around them. That comment could come back to bit you.”

“I hate your brothers,” he groaned and, for a split moment, he actually did. “Sorry for the bad pun by the way.” He had to bite back a laugh. Not that he didn’t mean it, Gabriel to him was like his own personal angel. “I guess you shouldn’t count on humor when I’m high on pain drugs. So, what's the verdict?” His mouth felt incredibly dry, as if they had stuffed cottons balls in his mouth while he was out. God, it made speaking hard. “How bad are things according to the doc?”

“Stop joking around. But, you could have been off way worse, I hope you know that. There's something with your knee, you've busted your hip, there's mild head trauma that should be gone soon, you've got a few cuts on your arm, but I think that's it. Should ask the doc though, he didn’t give me all information that was on the table. He’ll probably be back soon enough though.”

“I will,” Sam muttered, working to keep his eyes open. Even though he had just been asleep for hours. It felt like he hadn't slept for years. Like he could sleep for ages before even feeling remotely rested. And, knowing him, it might damn well be the case.

“You can go back to sleep if you want, I'll leave you be,” Gabriel offered and yeah, that sounded good. Great even. “You look like you need it.”

“Can you?” Sam asked, actually  _full on blushing_ , “Gabe, do you mind staying with me? I don't want to be alone. Do you? Never mind.”

“Are you actually asking me to stay Sam?” Gabriel asked, amused.

“Yes.”

“Of course,” Gabe whispered, before leaning in and pressing a soft kiss against his hairline. “I will do anything you ask of me moose.” Sam had a content smile on his lips as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of butterflies, rainbows and Gabe.

 

He awoke with Gabriel's hands clasped in his, hanging on them like his life depended on them. He was still tired, but not as tired as he had been before, thank god. He couldn’t remember his dream, but considering just how tight he was holding Gabriel’s hand, it must have been a bad one.

“Thank god Sam,” he sighed, freeing his hand, “you had a nightmare. I think. Damn Sam. You are strong.” He gingerly rubbed his hand. “Are you okay?”

“I think so, I don't, I don't know.” He didn't remember the nightmare, though if it was as Gabriel said, it must have been pretty major. “I can’t remember what I dreamt. I’m sorry Gabe. You should have woken me up if you wanted your hand back.”

“It's fine. Lucifer came in while you were asleep. I told him you were up. They were all worried about you. You really weren't in a good condition last time they saw you.”

“Yeah, I remember you going to get them. It gets fuzzy afterwards,” he muttered, “sorry.”

“Sam, I can't count on both of my hands how often you've said sorry the last couple of days. Stop saying that you're sorry.” He sighed, before taking Sam's hand in his, playing with the fingers. “Do you want to know what happened afterwards? You were out for most of it.”

“Yeah.”

“I saw the car hit you, you topple over the hood of the car,” Gabriel started, still playing with Sam's fingers, as if he was trying to keep himself distracted. Knowing Gabe, he damn well, might be. “You didn't get up at first, so I rushed over. You were bleeding, but I didn't notice it, not at that point. Anyway.  You got up, even though I practically begged you not to and to let me get help. You sat down halfway back to safety because you didn't feel okay. I ended up calling Castiel and telling him to bring everybody outside. By the time they came out, you were already lying in my lap half conscious. Cas told me to call an ambulance.” He barely left enough time to talk. “You were around a few times before the ambulance arrived, but you were always gone within seconds.”

There was a short silence, in which Sam gave Gabe's hand a reassuring squeeze. Or at least, he hoped that it was reassuring. “They allowed me to ride along to the hospital because they thought you weren't in  _that much_  danger after what happened. You ended up almost crashing three times in the ambulance ride. You actually crashed halfway there. Damn Sammy, it was the scariest thing that I have seen in  _ages_. Don't you ever do that again.

“You came around again here a few times, but you only mumbled and once even thought that I was a doctor. Your actual doctor told me that it was because of the morphine that you are on to take the edge of the pain. Once, you woke up and asked who I was, because you had never seen me before. Doc gave the same explanation. That's about it.”

“Have you called...”

“Dean? Yeah, not exactly. I called the rehab center that he is in and told them the situation. Because of his recovery process, they can't allow him to visit you. He could call though and he knows. He doesn't know that you are okay just yet, but I'll call him if you want me to.”

“Can I?”

“Sure kiddo,” Gabe said with a smile. “How about I try to talk your nurse in allowing you to use your phone once? How about that? I think it's a marvelous idea.”

“It is. Thanks Gabe.”

 

Not an hour later, he was ringing the rehab center. He had to call the central office, who would connect him to Dean  _if_ Dean wasn't in therapy or group or anything. Not being able to visit Dean as much as he wanted to sucked, but Sam understood. It could slow down the recovery.

“Hello?” he heard Dean say on the other end of the line. He couldn't help the smile that stretched across his face. “Gabriel, is that you? Is he awake yet?”

“Guess again,” he muttered, still smiling. “Not Gabriel.” He sounded pathetic.

“Sam. Are you okay?!” He could hear the relief in his brother's voice. “Do you have any idea how worried I've been for you man?”

“Gabe said,” he sighed. “I. It's good to hear you. I’m sorry, I should have called you already.”

“I should be saying that. Last phone call I got, I heard you had almost crashed and crashed  _five_  times on the way to the hospital after being hit by a freaking  _car_. What the hell Sammy?” Dean didn’t sound angry, he was, upset. It was weird to hear, to know that his brother actually cared  _that_ much about him.

“I only almost crashed three times,” he tried weakly, “and I did actually crash once. I'm sorry.” He knew that he shouldn’t be saying that, Dean after all was still in recovery from this addiction. He should be worried about himself, not about Sam.

“Don't want to hear it,” he heard Dean say. If Sam didn't know better, he'd think there were tears in his brother's eyes. “I'm just glad you're okay man. You freaked the hell out of me. Lisa will probably be visiting once you're up for visitors.”

“Good. Look, don't worry about me, okay? I called to tell you that I am alright and feeling alright. So that you can focus on getting better too.”

“I'm almost out of here,” he said and god, he sounded  _happy_. “They said if I continue to be like this, I will be out within the next month.” Sam could hear the smile in his brother’s voice and god, it was good to hear that again. It had been such a long time.

“That's good news Dean.” Sam could hardly keep the smile off his face. “Hell. That's good to hear. You… Good work Dean.”

“I got to go now, got group in fifteen minutes, but, you'll call, right?”

“Of course.”

 

Gabriel stayed with him for the rest of the day, to the nurse's great dismay. Sam didn't know how come they didn't kick Gabe out of the room, but he didn't mind, not at all. With Gabe there, he felt a little better. At least he offered a bit of solace in the loomy environment.

The others ended up coming in for a little while, but they didn't stay long. Most of them were just happy to see Sam alive and with some color in his face. The rest didn't matter all that much. Or at least, that was what they said. Sam initially thought that they just came so they wouldn't get yelled at by Gabe, but when Castiel actually hugged him and told him to  _never_ do that again, he was kind of baffled. They seemed to care more for him than he had thought they did.

Lisa came by with Ben for a little while and they talked through all details of what had happened and later, how Dean was doing. They ended up talking more about Dean and less about Sam and he definitely prefered it that way.

 

Gabriel had left the room for a little while when Lisa arrived, even though he didn’t really want to. To be fair though, Gabriel had been there all do, he deserved to be out of there for a little while. He missed him when he wasn’t there though, missed Gabriel’s hand in his. It had been one of the things that got him away from the pain a bit.

That was why Sam was so relieved when he walked in again, a coffee in hand and a muffin in the other. Food wasn’t’ exactly on his mind at that moment, but they split the muffin anyway. Gabe insisted that he had already eaten but Sam highly doubted it  _and_ he wasn’t really hungry anyway.

“Aren't you guys supposed to be finishing your tour?”

“Yeah,” Gabe said, toying with the plectrum in his hands, “we canceled the next concert. Fans weren't happy about it, but they understand. They got their money back anyway, so they really shouldn't complain.”

“You shouldn't have to cancel concerts for your pretend boyfriend.”

“Do you really think that I can be on that stage and preform now?” He actually sounded offended and maybe, there was hurt in there too. “Sam Winchester, I thought better of you. No, we mutually decided to let you heal up and then continue with the tour. Your health is more important to me than playing those shows.” He huffed. “I’d be rubbish if they made me play anyway.”

“You shouldn't have to,” he started again, only to be cut short by Gabriel.

“I don't want to hear it Sammy. We are waiting until you are out of the hospital and then we'll hit the road again. Baby steps, like the doctor said. Oh, the nurse came around. I am supposed to encourage you to walk around a bit.” He smiled. “Because a certain somebody decided to be a grumpy bear and almost bite the nurse's head off at the simple suggestion. They were going to offer you crutches you know.”

“I hate crutches.” Ever since he'd have to walk almost two months on crutches when he was younger, he had grown to hate them more than ever. He didn't really know if it was the fact that he was so tall that they were annoying or if it was something else, he didn't know. “And it  _hurts_.”

“Try.” Gabe shook his head, the smile still playing around his lips, “and if it hurts too much, I promise that I will not continue to force you.”

“Okay.” He murmured grumpily. “Get a nurse, I'll try. On  _one_ condition.”

“Sure.”

“You go home or wherever they have a bed and you sleep and take a shower, eat something. You're looking more awful than I feel. And god, that says something.”

“Thanks for the compliment Sammy, I could really use that.” There was a short silence, followed by a thoughtful frown. “Do you promise not to crash on me if I head back to the hotel?”

“Pinkie promise.”

“Okay then. But I am staying until after you're done walking for the day, how about that?”

“Deal.”

 

Walking turned out to be painful and a torture, or at least, that was what it seemed like. Gabriel walked next to him as Sam walked up and down the hall on the crutches. It was almost like Sam was fighting a battle and  _clearly_ losing it. He was half panting, biting his lip to stop the pain. Gabriel  _hated_ seeing Sam like this, seeing him hurt so bad, but he could hardly stop it.

“Okay, you're okay.” Gabriel rolled the wheelchair that he had been pushing under Sam's legs. “If I see you walking like this for too long, I might chain you to the chair.”

“See,” Sam said with a grimace. “Walking ain't good for a thing.”

“Not Right now, but wait until you get better. Trust me when I say that you'll be glad when you are up on your feet again.” What Gabriel didn't add, was that he was going to be glad as well, because that meant that he had less reasons to be worried.

Heck, seeing Sam like that. He hadn't known that it could actually  _hurt_  that much to see someone you love hurt. Especially in the ambulance. For a split second, he had thought that he would die. He hadn't told Sam, but he came so close to dying. Even the medics were glad to have him around again. That had been more than his decade of stress right there.

“Sure sure. You go take your shower, silly.” Sam said it with a smile, already a little bit more relaxed than before. “I don't want to see you before you are all freshened up, okay?”

“Okay.” He smiled before throwing his bag over his shoulder. He wasn't keen on leaving. He had to though. “You take care. I'll be back before you know it.” Sam drifted back into sleep the second that his head hit the pillow. For a second, he thought about just staying, but that would only make Sam angry. “Get better soon, Sam.” The last was whispered as he pressed a kiss to Sam's temple.

Gabriel left the hospital with the biggest of smiles on his lips.

 

When Sam awoke, Gabriel wasn't there. It was almost noon, judging from the sun shining through his window. He had thought Gabe would be there when he woke up again and if he was honest, he kind of felt a little sad now that he wasn't there.

He was hopelessly in love with him he realized. He was more than hopelessly in love with Gabriel Novak and he couldn't help it. He didn't even mind that much anymore. Not now at least. In the beginning, Sam had been thorn up about it. They were pretending to be a couple. If he actually fell in love, it would be simply weird. More than weird even.

Gabriel would be freaked out and he would drive him away. Now, he wasn't even so sure if that would happen, and it confused him. More than confused him. Why wasn't life like math? Always one simple answer to a question, never three thousand possibilities.

There were a lot of things that could happen if he told Gabriel what he really felt and the most probable of them all was that he would have to pack his bags and move back into a cheap apartment the second that he found one. Maybe he would be kind enough to let Sam stay until then.

There was another possibility, that Gabe would actually return his feeling, but Sam knew that it was nothing but a dream, a fantasy. It would be too good to be true.

 

Gabriel came back around five pm, after Sam had counted all the tiles on the ceiling – around two hundred – followed the cracks in the walls and watched three episodes of Dr. Sexy MD. Dean was addicted to the show, even though he kept it on a down low. Sam didn't know why he liked it so much. He guessed that the main star was good looking, but that was about it.

“Hey Sammy!” he said with a smile, after appearing from behind a neatly wrapped box. Sam didn't even want to know how he had gotten it up to the room. “Sorry I'm late, I picked something up on the way.”

He smiled as he accepted the box before carefully unwrapping it. In the times that money had been tight, they'd even had to reuse the wrapping paper. He didn't even know why he still did it, because Dean had complained about it the second that he noticed Sam carefully putting the wrapping paper to the side.

“What is this?” he asked as he opened the box, only to find a furry teddy bear, two books and a pack of chocolates. “Really? Thanks Gabe.” If his wounds on his arms didn't hurt so much and his bed wasn't so full of stuff, he would have hugged – and maybe even kissed – him right then and there.

“Are you happy with them? That's good to know.” Sam smiled as he opened the chocolate, breaking off two pieces. “Do you want a piece?”

“It's your present.”

“And I'm giving it to you, as a thank you.” Gabe took it, if not a little reluctant.

“Thanks for what?”

“For getting me back to safety, I guess,” Sam said, with a gentle smile as he nibbled on his piece of chocolate. This tasted an awful lot better than the hospital food they had made him try a little earlier, so they knew if he could hold down food or not. “Without you, I don't know.”

“Let's not think like that. You don't want another song about you, do you?”

“I don't know. Maybe I want another song, you never know what kind of song that could be huh?” He thanked god for the distraction from the pain. Even the morphine hadn't been able to take it all away.  Gabriel being there was a good countermeasure for that.

“So, have the doctors given you a heads up on when you can go home yet?”

“They want to keep me another night, to make sure that I don't crash again. If my vitals are okay, I think that they’ll allow me to go 'home' tomorrow.” There was a short silence. “There is no way that you are going to allow me to stay with you all, right?”

“Are you crazy? There is no way that I'll leave you home alone,” Gabe said, actually sounding like he felt hurt by the accusation. “You can't be in the crowd, but still. Sam, you are  _not_ going to be home alone after this. Ideally, I'd leave the guys to finish their tour, but the publicist would kill me. You aren't going anywhere.”

“Okay.”

 

He stayed in the hospital for two more days, after his heart rate proved to be unstable during the night. Sam was damn glad to be wearing his own clothes again. Gabriel had brought him some stuff that had been in his suitcase to change in, a comfy pair of sweatpants and a baggy sweater.

“You okay if we pick up your meds on the way?” he asked when they had been on the road a few minutes. Sam had started nodding off the second that he set down in the car, which was after all, understandable. It was why Gabriel asked now instead of just picking them when he was asleep. He didn’t know if Sam would like it if he’d just go pick them up.

“Yeah, sure,” Sam yawned, settling himself against the cold window. “I don't... mind.”

“Okay, Good.” He threw Sam a warm smile. “You’re sure right? If you’re in too much pain, you say something and I’ll go pick them up immediately. Go to sleep Sam, I'll wake you when we are there.” Gabriel turned down the music, allowing Sam to drift off in happy slumber.

 

Gabriel drove for about four hours before arriving at the hotel. On the road, he'd made two stops, once so they could go ahead and fetch Sam's meds and the other time, so he could fetch a blanket from the back and drape it over Sam’s body. The poor man had been almost shivering, even though it wasn’t even that cold out. At the pharmacy, he had told the girl that they were for his boyfriend when she asked if they were for him. He didn’t even hesitate. In the end, it worked out, considering he, after all, was the person who would be making sure that he took his meds like he was supposed to.

“Well sir, you make sure your boyfriend has plenty of rest and that he takes these with a big glass of water, after dinner,” she had said with a smile on her lips, before continuing to the next person. The words had been out of his mouth before he could even think about what he had said.

He had been considering Sam to be his boyfriend for such a long time that sometimes, it was hard to remember that they weren't actually a couple. Seeing articles about what had happened to Sam appear on PressWeekly, again written by Kevin Tran had almost made him angry. They were making money of one of  _their own's_  pain. How could you do that? How could you actually prey on the pain that somebody in your own department has to go through?

That had been why Gabriel had made Gina call in that Sam had been hit by a car and wouldn't be writing articles for the magazine for a little while, until he was back to health. They didn't make the connection and maybe, just maybe, that was best. Still, they wishes Sam the best possible recovery and promised that they would send a little feel better soon thing over whenever they could.

Gina did have to inform them about the change of address on Sammy’s part, which PressWeekly, which they weren’t even remotely weary about. Damn that company.

“Sammy,” he whispered, “hey, Sammy, it's time to wake up my man. We're at the hotel, come on, don’t make me drag you in there, you're twice my size.” Gabriel really doubted that he could carry the Sasquatch inside even if he tried to do so.

“I'm up, I'm up,” he groaned, before sitting up. “Don't even attempt to carry me.” That was the grumpy Sammy that he knew.

“Okay, you can crawl back into bed in a second big man, after your meds and food, okay?” Gabriel, trying to suppress the fond smile that crawled on his lips. “We just need to get you fed.”

“Okay.” Sam ended up leaning on Gabe maybe a little too much, but Sam didn't mind, not all that much. After all, he was still supposed to be walking on crutches, which Sam was blatantly refusing to do. No matter how hard he tried, Sam wouldn't budge. Even getting angry didn't help, which usually did the trick. Still, the crutches were in the back of the car,  _begging_ to be used. If Sam refused too much longer though, Gabriel was pretty positive he’d just glue them to Sam’s hands when he was asleep.

“Sam, you'll open up your wounds,” he tried for the millionth time, “at least use the elevator to go up.” Sam did agree on that, admitting to actually being in too much pain to walk much further. At least that was a small victory. It may be small, but a victory none the less.

They ate a quick dinner consisting of noodles, before Sam took his medication and went off to sleep. Gabriel crawled next to him after an hour, needing the early night more than he would like to admit. He hadn't slept at all while Sam was in the hospital, afraid that something would happen or that there was something that would go wrong. He had tried sleeping, after the guys coaxed him into it, it just  _didn’t_ work out.

No, Gabriel actually had a nightmare that one time that he slept in the plastic hospital chairs, so no more sleep for him. He  _hated_  nightmares, hated how skittish them made him feel, how anxious and, now that it was Sam and he had actually seen him die in his dream, how it made his heart clench and ache at the fake loss.

He worried too much about the Sasquatch, he knew that, but what do you do if you love somebody? You worry about them. Gabriel couldn't help it, he was falling in love with Sam faster and harder than he had ever thought would be possible. At this point, he didn’t even know if it was a bad thing anymore or when it had started being this way.

 


	7. Chapter six

_ I want to be wrapped  _

_ in your arms _

_ skin against skin, _

_ hands intertwined _

__

_ let me _

_ fall asleep _

_ to the sound _

_ of your heartbeat _

** (elp) **

 

Sam healed slower than he would have liked. For the next few concerts, he was backstage, walking around on his goddamn crutches. Not that he really minded them  _that_ much, they were just annoying. Being tall and having to walk on crutches was mainly annoying because the risk of hitting somebody was that much greater. He had already almost hit Gabe once or twice, he wasn't keen on letting that happen again.

Gabriel had just finished the last show before their two week break and judging from what Gabe looked like, he could use the break. His fingers were chapped from playing the guitar so often, the dark circles under his eyes more like dark miles. He seemed to be yawning on a twenty-four/seven schedule now.

They arrived back home around six pm after a car drive that had seemed to last a thousand years. Sam had driven the car, even though his cuts and bruises didn't really allow him to do that too long. He ignored the pulling though and the little bit of blood that was seeping through the bandages.

He had finally managed to get Gabriel to sleep more than a few hours and catch up on some well needed sleep, he wasn't going to take it away that soon. Especially not for himself. Hell, Sam even carried him inside and put him to bed, the blanket pulled over his body. He himself wasn't tired, not yet. He sat down in the study and started writing.

There were only one or two chapters left now, and Sam dreaded writing them. Charlie was pleased with the other chapters that she had received, but kept nagging him about the epilogue. He didn't know how to end it, didn't know if he could actually write an end to it. He was too attached to Oliver.

****

_Oliver wrapped his arm around Tom's shoulders, pulling him closer. He leaned into the touch easily, resting his head on his shoulder. Being around him was getting so easy. Tom understood, he knew that he was spooked by something, by a past that Oliver refused to speak of. He never asked._

_“Where were you last night?” he asked, looking worried as always. “You came home late.”_

_“Something came up at work, sorry,” he muttered, pressing a gentle kiss on his lips, “I would have called, but my boss was being a jerk.” He could hardly say that he had finished up the last of his kills last night, that he was working on the courage to make it final._

_“Are we still on for tomorrow?”_

_“Yeah, of course, seven right?”_

_“Yes. Don't be late. You know, my parents are already thinking about telling you an earlier hour so that you'll be there at the time as everyone else.” There lay a relaxed smile on Tom's lips. “So, try to be on time, just this once?”_

_“I'll do my best. I'll try my hardest.”_

_“You better.” There was a playful smile on Tom's lips as he pulled him closer. “I might have to punish you later.”_

****

Gabriel came in around eleven am, after Sam had been dozing off in front of his computer. He had worked all night, finishing all chapters except for the epilogue.

“Hey,” Gabriel said with a smile on his lips, “did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really,” he sighed, getting up. His back ached after sleeping in probably the worst position that he could. “I did finish my manuscript. All I need to do is write the epilogue and I'm done.”

“No more Charlie calling to threaten you then?” He was smiling. “You should have come to bed earlier.”

“I know, sorry,” he sighed. “I'll try next time. I just really needed to finish this chapter.”

“I'll go make us something to eat, you go ahead and finish your writing, my crazy author.” He blushed at the words. “Sorry.”

“Thanks Gabe.”

 

They ate together in a comfortable silence. Gabriel insisted on looking at the stitches after Sam took a shower, so that was what Sam did, ignoring the fact that Gabe would probably see him half naked.  Everything was awkward enough as it was, Sam getting a boner while Gabriel was putting a new bandage on his leg would be very,  _very_  awkward.

“Sam, I can't look at your stitches if you are wearing pants,” Gabriel sighed when he eventually stepped out of the bathroom, fully clothed. “As awkward as it may be for you, I need you out of your pants.” They were both blushing at Gabe's choice of words.

“Uh, sure,” he muttered, before sitting down in front of him with nothing but his underwear, socks and a baggy sweater. God, this was, as he had already suspect awkward. Gabe seemed to be completely unaffected as he got the bandage off his leg and examined the wound.

“You have been bleeding,” he murmured, “did you... Is this because you were driving yesterday Sammy?”

“Yeah,” he admitted sheepishly, “it was, sorry. I just didn't want to wake you up to get you driving. You finally slept.”

“Next time, you wake me up okay?” he chastised before dropping some anti-septic on the wound and re-bandaging it. Sam liked the way that his fingers trailed over his tight, the way it made his skin tingle. “Even if I have fallen asleep, that is okay.” He looked at him with worry in his eyes. “Next time, you just wake me up. Can you do that?”

“I promise,” he muttered, trying not to blush while saying it. “I will say something if I'm really hurting next time.”

“Good,” Gabriel said with a smile, before taping the last piece of tape. “You should be good for now. Try not to rip the wound open again, I don't think that we want you going back to the hospital because your wounds got infected, do we now?”

“Not really,” Sam sighed, “thanks Gabe.”

 

****

_Oliver looked at his psychiatrist in front of him, at the frown on the man's face. He hadn't wanted to tell it, not yet. He knew that he could get in trouble for revealing it, that there was a good chance that he could get arrested. Doctors had professional confidentiality, but that didn't reach far enough to actually cover up crimes committed by their patients._

_“That's when I lost my grip,” he said, biting down on his bottom lip._ He was doing this for Tom. He was going this so he could be with Tom again _, “that's when the demons became too much to handle. I kept seeing them everywhere and well, I started killing.” Dr. Merton nodded, telling him to go on with his story. “I don't know how many I've killed, how many lives I ended. Doctor, I wish I could say that I am sorry for what I did. But I can't.”_

_The story went on, about his first kill, how sloppy it had been. “I never understood why the cops didn't find out.”_

_“I can answer that question for you,” Doctor Merton said, looking at him over the brim of his glasses. “If you want to know the answer. I don't think you’ill like it.” A silence fell. “You never committed_ any  _murders. You never did. It was all inside of your mind.”_

_“It can't be.”_

_“The people you mentioned, like Elisabeth? She used to be a patient here. We are still in frequent contact. She last called me yesterday and I can assure you that she is still alive.”_

_“It, it can't be.” He felt numb, as if the world around him was crumbling._

_“It is. I am very sorry, but it is. On that note though, we think that you are aware of the fact you’ve been improving, a lot.” Dr. Merton actually smiled when he spoke those last words. “We think that if you continue to have your boyfriend's support, you may be out of here very soon. Your progress in the mental department tells me that you have an understanding that is better than we anticipated.”_

****

**Epilogue**

_Tom was waiting for Oliver to be done with packing his stuff. After almost a year of being institutionalized after that horrible night, in which Oliver came knocking on his door at one am, crying, he was getting out. That night had been the worst night of his life, when he had seen him covered in blood, sobbing and saying that he wanted to die, that all he wanted to do was die. That he too was a demon, that he was the one he was afraid of._

_“Oliver,” he said with a grin as he saw his boyfriend approach, bag slung over his shoulder, “are you ready to go home?”_

_“Yes.” He smiled at him, with the widest of grins on his lips, one that he hadn't seen in ages. Not for over a year in fact. “Let's go back home.”_

****

Sam Winchester didn't cry. He never did. Last time he did, was when Gabriel told him about the song. He also totally wasn't crying as he wrote the last hundred words of his manuscript and wrote those last words. THE END. Oliver had his home back, he was there again. No more medication, no more nothing.

He truly had never been happier for any of his characters,  _never_. For the longest time, he had seen himself in Oliver, the struggle with his sexuality, being on that borderline relationship with a girl first but then finding a boy that he really likes, Tom. It took Sam fifteen chapters to get the two of them in a relationship. The only thing that was different about them was that Sam wasn't going to get the boy.

“What are you so happy about?” Gabe asked him when he went to put his mug away. “I haven't seen you smile like that in ages.”

“I finished it! The novel, it's finished!”

“Congrats Sammy!” he said with a smile. “We should drink to that. Are you up for a glass of whiskey?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said with a smile, “let me quickly email Charlie the files and we're good.” He send her the file, adding in the email that he was finally done.

“You know,” Gabe said after they both finished their first glass. “This may be the biggest advantage to being in love with an author. There's booze all around.”

“Really now?” Sam said, not even bothering to hide the smile on his lips as he refilled both of their glasses. “I guess I'll have to start writing a second novel then, no?”

“Were you really crying behind your computer earlier?”

“Maybe.” Sam felt a blush creep up his cheeks. “You don't realize how emotional it can be to see the person that you forced to go through so much stuff be  _happy_ for the first time in at least twenty chapters. Especially with all the things that Oliver has been through.”

“I'm not saying that it is a bad thing Sammy,” Gabriel said with a smile on his lips, “if anything, it is adorable. Just wondering if I was seeing right when I peeped in your office door earlier.”

“Yeah.”

 

Two glasses later, they were drunk enough to stop caring. Sam didn't even attempt to hide the smiles that spread across his lips or repressing the small loving gestures for that matter. Gabriel probably wouldn't remember them the next day anyway and well, he didn't  _want_ to suppress them. Not anymore.

What he didn't expect was how brave the alcohol made him, like on the night that they met. One moment, Gabriel was getting up to stretch a little or to fetch something, and the next, Sam was pulling him down into a kiss. Gabriel's lips tasted like the first time that they had kissed, of alcohol and just that little bit salty. What surprised him most was that even though Gabriel was clearly surprised, he kissed back.

They kissed until their lips were swollen and all they could do was smile at the other dumbly. Sam may well be addicted to that soft set of lips, or the way that Gabriel's hands had traveled to his face.

“Well well Sam,” Gabriel said with a slight smirk on his lips, “where did that come from?” He didn't have an answer to that. Gabriel yawned, before stretching out over the couch and getting up. “I'm going to bed.” Gabriel colored as he noticed how that might sound. “Not  _that_ way, but are you joining me or are you watching some more TV?”

“I'm joining, just let me get my PJ's on.”

 

They both crawled into bed almost an hour later, both half drowsy from lack of sleep. At first, it might have been good that the whiskey affected them that little, but for some reason, they were both exhausted.

“I love you Gabriel.” It was nothing but a whispered confession, but Gabriel heard it nonetheless. Gabriel turned to him on the bed, scooting closer so that he could press a kiss on Sam's lips. He smirked as he crawled on Sam's lap, hands roaming his sides before scooting under his shirt after playing with the hem of his shirt. It felt like a wildfire was spreading through his body, making his skin tingle. He didn't mind, not at  _all_.

“I love you too Sammy,” Gabe said with a wide smile on his lips.

 

They woke up curled together in bed the next morning, Gabriel's head resting on Sam's chest. Last night was a calm haze of sloppy kisses and watching a cheesy film from their bed because they couldn't sleep anyway. Their half make out session had woken them both up a little too much for their own liking.

Sam should have never said those words, should have never confessed to being in love with Gabriel. Things would get awkward now, while before everything had been back to normal again? He had messed this thing all up again,  _big time._

Gabriel started stirring an hour after Sam had woken up, at least, that was what Sam thought he Gabe shifted his position.  He really tried to ignore Gabriel's half erection pressing against him, looking for friction, but well, it was getting incredibly awkward. Awkward because Sam wasn't unaffected, not at  _all._

 

Gabe woke up ten minutes later, Sam pretending to be fast asleep. He only pretended to wake up when Gabriel hurried out of the bed and into the bathroom. Sam really tried not to picture what Gabe was doing in that shower stall, failing miserably.

Never for a moment had he been more thankful for the fact that his own cock didn't seem to get that memo. He listened to music to drown out the sounds from the bathroom as he started working on breakfast, doing everything to get his thoughts under control.

And well, Gabe would probably be hungry. Since they had forgotten to go grocery shopping a few days earlier, they now had no food in the house that would be considered dinner. They had eaten a few slices of bread, but that was it.

 

They did their grocery shopping and afterward headed for Gabriel's mother's house. The band would be heading there for band practice again. Sam didn't really mind, it gave him an excuse to write out of the house  _and_ practice his sign language. His mother always greeted Sam with a smile on her lips and the 'hello' sign.

His name was signed as well and even though Sam rolled with it, he didn't understand what it meant properly. Gabriel refused to explain it, though he would smile every time that Sam asked about it.

He sat downstairs with the band as they practiced, though he for sure wasn't getting a lot of work done. He was writing alright, but his gaze kept drifting off to Gabe playing the guitar. And how could that not happen? Gabriel was gorgeous when he played, he was  _complete._ Without the guitar, he wasn't as confident in thing around him, but the second that he opened that guitar case and started playing, he lit up. You could almost see it in his eyes, the way that he seemed to wake up from his slumber.

“Gabriel, you've missed that note three times now!” Castiel complained. “Seriously. Ugh. Do we have to ask you not to take Sam next time you come for practice?”

“Cas.”

“No, seriously, I've had it for today, you didn't do well the previous song and now this one, what the hell are you even thinking that you are doing Gabe?”

“I should get going anyway,” Sam sighed, before packing up his laptop. “The people of PressWeekly wanted me in today so I could meet up with Kevin and cross-reference information with him. There may be somebody from the board too.” He slung his backpack over his shoulder. “Bye Gabe.” He thought about giving him a kiss goodbye, but refrained from doing so. It would make things even more awkward.

“Can't I get a kiss goodbye?” Gabe asked with a semi pout. Sam sighed as he walked over to Gabriel with a smile, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

“I'll see you later.”

 

At the office, he hadn't expected that things could go as south as they would. He had hoped that Kevin would not realize Sam was the mystery man that he was trying to identify, but that hope was soon crushed. The second that he walked through the doors and knocked on Kevin's office, the guy perked up.

“You are Kevin Tran, right?” Sam asked with a gentle smile on his lips. “I'm Sam Winchester? I was supposed to meet you here?”

“Yeah, come on in, sit down,” Kevin said with a smile. “Sam huh?” He looked like he had had three or four cups of coffee too much. “My agenda only said Sam W., I don’t remember what this meeting was about? Also, the director is joining us.”

“Yeah, Sam. I’m author working on the “the Three Fallen Archangel's’ tour?”

“I see.” There was a playful smile on the other man's lips. “You are more than that though, aren't you? You're the Sam. Gabriel's mystery man. I knew that the face looked maybe a little bit too familiar.

“Yeah, uh, not really.” Though the telltale blush on his cheeks totally didn’t give him a way.

 

The rest of their meeting was a disaster. To top it off, Charlie called in mid meeting, when they had really started to work, to say that she had read through the manuscript and loved it so far. She hadn't gotten through all of it, but she had reached his fourth kill and she loved Oliver.

The praise was nice for a change, but he really had to continue working or he would never get finished with the meeting and escape before Kevin snapped a picture of him to use in his next article, which was no undoubtedly going to be about him, it couldn't be any different.

The reason for that that his task was done and he should have never shown up. Sam had a feeling that the next piece that he would write for PressWeekly wasn't going to be a piece about the Three Fallen Archangels for sure. That, even though they were only halfway through their tour. The director had called him and said that considering the fact they were leaving state now, he didn’t have to keep following them around.

“Sorry about that,” he muttered, “that was my editor. Hope I didn't leave you waiting too long.”

“No man, don't bother, I think our time is about done anyway, but Sam, you know that I will almost have to write a piece about you now, don't you?”

“Yeah, I'm aware,” Sam sighed, before packing up his laptop again. “Look, I would really appreciate it if you didn't, but you are making money from this, so I guess that you don’t have a choice.”

“Sorry about that. Would you mind if I snapped a picture?”

“Uh… no, sure, go ahead.”

“Thanks.” Of course, it was a selfie that the kid took. He really didn’t get what people liked about selfies. Even Gabriel took them all the time, usually to snap a picture of Sam in the background. It was how the crowd had figured out that they were living in one house now.

“You know, I actually thought that you would be older when I read your article, you seem so young to already be a writer and have a piece in a magazine this soon. I have been writing for years and I can't find a steady place to work.”

“I got lucky,” he said with a smile, “my mom's head of the paper, Linda Tran? You have probably already met her.”

“I have,” he confirmed, “look, Kevin, I really have to go now, my boyfriend is waiting on me at home.” Kevin's smile brightened at the word boyfriend and Sam couldn’t say that it wasn’t deliberate. “So, everything that you wanted me to bring you is cleared, right?”

“Sure, sure. I already thought that you looked a little too familiar when I saw that one picture during that concert when Gabriel sang ‘When The World Dies’  for the first time.” Kevin beamed. “Now the penny falls. Of course it is you.”

“I try not to think about that too much.” Sam actually didn't. It was embarrassing. “I gotta go, you can reach me through your mother if you'd ever need me, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

He was back at the house an hour later. The whole week had been cold, with temperatures close to freezing, but the final drop of temperatures seemed to have really settled the snow that was hanging in the air. It had started coming down when he was halfway back. By the time he parked his car, there was already a thin sheet of snow covering the roads.

By tomorrow, they probably would have at least a few inches of snow. Sam hadn't seen snow in ages, not this way. It was always there one morning and gone the next, as everything seemed to do.  Not that he minded that, snow made him uncomfortable. It was slippery and annoying and well, he had broken his knee once because he fell down and landed wrong.

If there was too much snow, Dean wouldn’t be able to visit him. Dean had called the other day to tell Sam he had been discharged from the center. Sam would have preferred him to come over the day he was released, but he had to stay real. Dean had barely spend any time with Lisa and Ben the past couple of weeks, he deserved a little break with them. Hell, he’d be willing to wait another month before seeing his brother again if that meant that Dean would be happy.

Dean had insisted on coming down the following day though, to check up on that boyfriend that Sam had. He still wasn't used to calling Gabriel his boyfriend, even though the news was pretty official now. Not that they were actually dating.

God, this was all so incredibly awkward and confusing. Especially after the previous night. He didn't know what to think, not anymore. Did Gabriel love him, did he not?

 

He tried not to dwell on it too much as he stepped inside, hanging his coat on the rack in the hall before heading in. Sam had heard Gabriel speak to someone coming in. He had thought that it was his brother or someone, since they so rarely had somebody over that wasn't related to Gabriel in some way. So when he heard Ben's mumbling, he was more than surprised.

“Uncle Sam is here!” Dean said with a smile, bouncing Ben on his knee. “Hi Sam.”

“Dean!” For the first time in three months, he hugged his brother tight. Dean breathed a surprised huff, before hugging back. He clung to his brother like a lifeline.

“Hey Sammy. God, I've missed you all those months.”

“Me too. So, what is going on here?” Sam asked, looking at Gabriel with his eyebrows raised. This was something that Gabe had planned. The whole thing had Gabriel written all over it. “I thought you were dropping by tonight?”

“Gabe invited us over for dinner.” Gabe smiled at him from across the sofa. “Lisa will join us in a second, she had to pick up something first. Your boyfriend over there is pretty decent. I actually owe him, Lisa was making us a salad tonight.” Dean grimaced at the mere thought of something healthy. “With grilled chicken.”

“It wouldn’t kill you to eat something healthy you know.”

“I’m glad he hasn’t started that one on me,” Gabriel grinned, before patting the spot next to him. “I thought I’d surprise you.”

“Amazing surprise,” Sam grinned, before falling down next to him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips almost out of instinct. “You’re the best boyfriend.” The blush that crawled up Gabe’s cheeks made Sam smile even more. Dean shook his head slightly and turned away from them before pressing a kiss on Ben’s head.

“Dude. There’s a kid here.” Dean was smiling nevertheless. “So, why does my brother-in-law have to tell me that my brother’s book is going to be published?”

“Because I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you in the five minutes that I’ve been here.” He was smiling. “But yeah, it’s finally happening.”

“Congrats man! Didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

“Thanks for the bill of trust here.” Sam smiled. “So, how are you doing?”

“Good. Haven’t had a drop to drink in ages,” Dean said, pointing at the cup of coffee in front of him. “I’m not sure what the future will bring with coffee, but we’ll see.”

“Yeah, I’d rather see you hyped up on coffee, let me tell you that.” Ben was crawling around on the floor, examining the strange environment. The last couple of weeks, he hadn’t seen either of them because Lisa had taken on the care of Ben on her own, which was pretty normal he guessed. By extension, he hadn’t seen this house before. When he reached Gabriel, he sat up reaching out his arms to be picked up.

“I think your boyfriend was just approved of Sammy,” Dean said with a smile as Ben settled himself against Gabe’s chest, closing his eyes. His pacifier half hung out of his little mouth as he drifted off to sleep, hands clenched in Gabe's shirt.

“Let’s hope so, because he is not going anywhere.” The words rolled over his lips before he could think about them.

“You’re disgustingly sweet.”

 

Lisa arrived a little over fifteen minutes later, a pack of diapers and formula in her hands.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late,” she muttered, before dropping her stuff at the kitchen table. “I think they were doing some early shopping for Thanksgiving or something. It’s just crazy out there with the snow.”

“Yeah. I’ll get started on cooking,” Sam said before heading in the kitchen, ready for the opportunity to see Dean and Gabe talk without him there. “You guys get to know each other, okay?” He lingered in the doorway, watching Gabe talk to Dean and Lisa as they were already family. Did Gabe feel this way about Sam having a good relationship with his family? Was he proud too?

Sam tried to bring his mind to other thoughts as he cooked dinner, but failed miserably. Dean came in to warm a bottle for Ben when the food was about done. All he needed to do was put the lasagna in the oven and things would be ready sooner rather than later.

“You seem happy,” Dean observed.

“I am happy.” He couldn't keep the smile off his face. “Why wouldn't I be? I have my whole family right here. You and Lisa, Ben, Gabe, everybody that I love is here. Well, most of the people I love are here.”

“Look man, about that,” Dean said, drawing his attention away from the formula. “I'm really sorry about that night. Shouldn't have brought up Jess.”

“You didn't know what you were doing. I don't blame you for doing what you did Dean, it was the alcohol talking, not you, I know that.”

“Still. I said some shitty things that made the day harder for you than it probably already was.”

“Trust me on this, Dean, I got drunk too.” He blushed at the memory, “and did some things that I am not proud of, but that's just the way that those kind of anniversaries work. There's no way around it.”

“You got lucky.” Sam didn't know why Dean was apologizing, but he let him be. “You know, with Gabriel? The kid loves you man. He was bragging about you while waiting for you. All about how your book would be a success. Man, do you have a publicist for the book? Because I am pretty positive that I found you one.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, grinning. “I just finished the book yesterday. And I'm not even sure that I will actually get to publish it. Charlie still has to finish it.”

“Keep me posted on it, okay?”

“I'll text or call you if something interesting happens, deal?”

“Deal.”

 

Dean, Lisa and Ben left around nine, before the snow fall became too much. Gabriel had told them that they could stay over, but they had refused. And Sam got that. After all, he too was kind of glad that they were gone. He wanted to have some alone time with Gabriel, they needed to talk about stuff.

About the last night, about what that had meant to the both of them. Sam knew that he meant it, that he loved Gabriel more than he thought he ever could love someone. Especially after Jess. But what was it for Gabriel? Was it just a little game of pretend? Of pretending even when they were alone?

It was confusing. All too confusing and the thing was, Sam didn’t want to bring it up. He didn’t want to make their relationship awkward, but after tonight, or this morning for that matter, he no longer was sure that Gabriel didn’t feel something for him.

“Hey Gabe?” he called, deciding to be brave, “where are you?”

“Practice room!” he yelled back after a little while. Sam smiled as he filled the platter with some food and coffee before following the sound of his guitar to the practice room; not even bothering to hide his smile as he entered.

“Hey. Though you might want a little snack.”

“Thanks, Sammish.” He put his guitar to the side.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” he asked, really trying not to bite his lip. “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Yeah, sure, sit down.” Gabe looked at him with a worried expression in his eyes. “Shoot. I’m all yours.”

“I want to talk about last night,” he started, fingers toying with the pillow next to him, “and by extent, this morning.”

“Okay.” Gabriel suddenly seemed way more uptight than he had before. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I want to,” he started, falling silent halfway through. “I. I.” he took a deep breath. “I want to know if what… what happened was real.” He bit his lip, doing everything not to look at Gabriel. Oh god he was being such a girl.

“Come here,” Gabriel sighed, patting the seat next to him. Sam scooted closer a little sheepishly. “Did you mean it Sam?” His voice sounded so sincere, the little shift of tone. “Did you?”

“Yes.” Gabe smiled as he put his hands on Sam’s face, pressing his lips to Sam gently, just a soft, quick kiss.

“Does this answer your question?”

“It does,” he said with a smile, pulling Gabriel closer, to him. “It does.”

 

Sam didn’t remember getting to bed or falling asleep, but woke up pressed close to Gabriel. It was the best feeling in the world, feeling Gabriel’s steady heartbeat. Gabriel snuggled closer to Sam, resting his head on his chest with a smile.

“Good morning,” he sighed sleepily. “I don't want to get up.”

“You'll have to,” Sam laughed, “interview, remember?”

“Yeah. I know. Don't destroy my dream.”

“Sorry.” Sam pressed a soft kiss to Gabriel's lips, snaking his arm around his waist, “but you got to be there in an hour or three and I don't want to face the wrath of the others if you arrive late.”

“I know, I know.”

 

The interview went well, something Sam had suspected. They always did great in interviews. Not that Sam saw that much of the interview anyway, he was too focused on Gabe. Before, he hadn’t realized the small things about Gabriel, how his the right corner of his mouth pulled up first when he smiled, or how uncomfortable he was with some questions.

He was halfway through answering a question when he locked eye contact with him, smiling. So Sam did the only sensible thing to do. He signed. He smiled as he pointed at his chest, making the sign for I, then crossing his arms over his chest and pointing at him. I love you.

Gabriel grinned back at him, actually hiding his face away from the rest, so that they wouldn’t see the blush spread across his cheeks. Sam almost laughed as the others looked confused.

“Oh!” Castiel said, laughing when they showed the footage again. Gabriel was an adorable little thing. His adorable little thing.

 

They were wrapped up against each other close that night, after what had to be the best night of Sam’s life thus far. After the interview, they had gone out to eat with the rest of the band. If they noticed a change of behavior in the two of them, none of his brothers mentioned it. And that was what Sam liked about them the best.

“You know,” Sam muttered, running his fingers up and down Gabe’s arm, “today was a good day.”

“Yeah, for you,” Gabe smirked, twisting around so he could lean against Sam. “Dude. Did you have to do that? It was sweet and all that, but god.” Sam pressed a kiss on his lips, silencing him effectively.

“This I much better, isn’t it?”

“I know something better,” Gabe said with a smirk, before trailing his fingers down Sam’s chest, stroking circles on the bare chest just above his sweatpants. “You up for some exercise Sammy?” Gabe started kissing his skin, lips sliding down his collarbone, sucking at his nipples after his shirt was gone. Hands trailing up and down Sam’s sides, sliding in his slacks teasingly, gently stroking the skin of his hip, sliding closer and closer to his groin.

“You like this, don’t you?” Gabriel teased, voice husky.

“Damn it, Gabe,” he hissed, pulling him on top of him. He needed him, closer there, his lips on his, needed the friction between the two of them. “You’re gorgeous.”

 


	8. Epilogue

 

_It's always been wait and see_

_A happy day and then you'll pay_

_And feel like shit the morning after_

_But now I feel changed around_

_And instead of falling down_

_I'm standing up the morning after_

_Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later_

_I could be another fool or an exception to the rule_

_You tell me the morning after_

**Elliot Smith – Say Yes**

 

The praise in the press for ‘ _The Secret Side Of Me_ ’ was something that Sam couldn’t have ever dreamt about, not in a million years. He had received the first copy of the book three weeks before the expectant release. He had never been any proud than in that exact moment.

Gabriel helped boost the book of course, but even with the ‘the Three Fallen Archangels’ fan base, he had never dreamt of ever selling as many books as he did. The first time that somebody actually walked up to him and asked him to sign her book, he practically squealed with joy, before signing the book and allowing the girl to take a picture of the two of them.

It also was one of the firs times that Gabriel took a picture without the fans being there for him. He had sulked about it for hours afterwards and all Sam had done was laugh about it.

Sam’s second and third book followed faster than he had expected them to be finished. His new series was again one that took mental problems in count, and the crowd loved it. Sam finished the final book in the series, the one that would wrap it all up, a few days before their wedding day.

Writing was fun, but it was exhausting. While he was in a writing frenzy, as Gabriel liked to call it, he wouldn’t sleep for days or sometimes even a week, not until the chapter or manuscript was done. The effect that it had on their relationship couldn’t be ignored, which was why he had decided to give publishing books a break. He was still writing, he was actually working on a new novel in secret, but it didn’t take up as much of his life now that there was no deadline in sight.  _Thanks for the Memories_  was a slower, standalone book about love and friendship, the importance of family.

While the whole concept of it was completely different, he seemed to be enjoying this book more than he had ever enjoyed writing. He took more frequent breaks, because after all, a romance novel did require  _some_  knowledge.

 

After five years of being together and one year of being married, they were still going strong and in fact had added a bundle of joy to the family. Mary was six months old when she entered their little family, blue eyed with dark auburn hair. She was everything to them, their own little world.

Sam was the one staying home when Gabriel was touring with the band, changing the diapers at one am, feeding her a bottle while humming the song that Gabriel had once written for him what now felt like a lifetime ago. The lyrics may not be good for children’s ears, but she wouldn’t remember and even if she did, they weren’t that bad.

Sam was daddy, Gabriel papa. They had taken their roles as daddy and papa without really realizing that they did so. Even though Anna laughed with their chosen names, their Mom and Mommy weren’t that much better. Nathaniel Milton was born a little early but perfectly healthy. Gabriel had looked incredibly proud that day, when he held Nate – they had taken to the nickname incredibly fast – in his arms and promised him that he’d help him grow up and be a good man. Ruby had jokingly said that she could do that, but that she would leave the guitar teaching to him.

Nate was now an energetic six year old that loved reading. He stayed over at Sam and Gabriel’s place all the time when Anna or Ruby were gone for meetings or other work related stuff. Each time, Sam would read him a bedtime story before tucking him into bed and pressing a soft kiss on the top of his head.

He was quite the charmer too, with his big blue eyes and dark hair. Gabriel was sure that one day, they’d have to keep the girls (or boys for that matter) away with a stick. 

Ben loved being around Nate. Even though Ben was an adventurous seven year old boy that wouldn’t read a book if you chained him to it, they still hung out all the time. Ever since their first meeting age three, they’d been best buddies. It was a strange pair, but for some reason, it worked out.

 

Life wasn’t always good for them. Gabriel’s mom passed away three months after Mary had been put in their care, due to a cardiac arrest. She had been brought to the hospital too late, there was nothing that they could do, not anymore.

It was a long and hard period for everybody, but they managed. They didn’t know how, but they got through. Sam understood what Gabe felt the heart wrenching guilt and sadness, but it didn’t make it any easier. He didn’t know how to comfort Gabriel, what Gabriel needed.

After the funeral, the guys toured. It was what they had to do in honor for their mother, or so they said. They named their new album  _Goodbye Roses_ , named after their mother’s favorite flowers. It was a sad tour, a tour that Sam wouldn’t go on. He didn’t want to cut in their time to get over the loss of their mother together.

It did Gabriel good, he looked better and happier when he came back from the trip. Stressed and tired, yes, but he no longer looked as if all hope was lost, the light in his eyes was no longer dimmed. Sam loved seeing the light return to his husband’s eyes.

 

Gabriel was the best father that Sam could ever imagine. He was incredibly gentle and sweet, playing with her and not even once complaining as Mary asked to be picked up again while he was supposed to be practicing. Life was good, life was happy.

Sam had always kept a connection to Oliver, his first creation. He always imagined what he would do or if he would be happy with the things that were happening around him. It was now, six years after finishing that book that Sam for the first time thought that he was like Oliver. He could be happy too.

 

After the fire, Sam had often thought that he had no home. His home had been destroyed. Even the first years with Gabriel, he never saw the house that they lived in with as a home. It was always just a house, four outer walls with rooms inside.

Now, as he took off his jacket and was greeted by his one year and a half year old daughter with a smile on her face and his husband walking behind her, all Sam could think was that he was finally home again.

 

**THE END.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was it. I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I loved writing it. This sure was one roller coaster of emotions, let me tell you that. If you would want to know what inspired this fic, you can find my inspiration tag right [here](http://stigmmata.tumblr.com/tagged/fic:%20go%20back%20home).
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com) and Livejournal; [1](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com) || [2](http://mercifulsammy.livejournal.com)


End file.
